there's a world outside of my front door

life in general is just a pain.
and it's true. i'm not trying to be all emo or anything. just hear me out.
i've always wanted to see my future. to honestly see if i actually do make it somehow.
boring would be the key word for that statement, for that wanting though.
honestly with all the pent up emotions inside me, i honestly don't know what to feel anymore.
i never expected my life to make this turn. for the past 17 years...(going to be 18 in 11 days and 25 minutes 12,11,10 seconds...) i haven't really been lucky. yea, i havent lived my life yet. i haven't seen that world outside my door just yet. I shouldn't really being saying that i'm not lucky if i haven't gone out to experience everything, but i feel like i'm not.

i'm going around in circles. i should just go straight.

i just want everything to go my way for once. I hate the fact that sometimes, i always have to start that circle and just keep going. yea you're probably saying,"well have you really tried though to have things your way"
honestly i haven't. i know i haven't because if i had i wouldnt be writing this blog.
this feeling inside... i can't really explain. how can you though?
you try so hard just to make things right.... but it's the wrongs that makes the words come to life.
yea i know i'm writing song lyrics.
and here's my other reason why i'm writing this.

you know that poem with that road by robert frost. he comes to a fork in the road and doesn't know what road to take. that fork is coming up pretty soon. and i feel like splitting myself in half to experience both. is that possible?

right now. i honestly don't know what to think.
yea you're trying to figure out what's best for me.
and it's your way of making up for all the times i have supported you.
but what happens if you just don't know anymore?

people always come to me with all the answers,
but when i need them, where is everyone?

my cousin:"you know what i realized, life is materialistic."
me" You realize that now?"
her"yea...but look at it though. you have to pay so much when you're alive. even death is expensive."
me"true. either way someone gets the burden in the end. and someone always has to pay for something...even if you're dead, someone else is paying for your funeral. it's all about money even 6 feet under."
her"Yea. life is hard."
me"it would be boring if it was easy."

me"Honestly with all the stuff we've been through, we have it tough."
my cousin andrew "not as tough as you"
my cousin vanessa" yea. we don't know what we would do if we were in your situation."
me "honestly i hate it when people say they have it so hard. like their situation is just having a splinter in their finger. when us we have a log balancing on our shoulders... sorry im not making sense."
andrew and vanessa "actually, you are."

"definition of insanity: a situation that keeps repeating where you can predict that outcome so well even when you don't even try."
"i think i should stop this insanity."

i <3 my cousins.

me: somehow i understood everything you said
chrissy: bestfriendsmeans
me: prettymuch

i<3mywifeytoo.