What if I did?

I always feel like I did something to deserve this. I just want to know when its going to be over. I'm trying to stay calm. I really am. I hate feeling this angry, where I feel like I'm going out of control. the anxiety is intense. I want to hurt myself so bad. having to fight off these thoughts and feelings is driving me to insanity. I can't explain how heavy my heart feels or how bad it hurts. There are so many lies in my head. Telling me who I am and what I am worth. Honestly, I know Im not worth anything.