Fairytale < Tragedy

I'm in such a weird place.
I've been feeling even more off than normal.
I feel like part of me wants to be a goody that studies, reads, obeys, sits alone to collect itself, works, and isn't happy, but safe - and the other part of me wants to think freely, feel, get tattoos, break rules, pierce itself, explore - but I can't turn into either.
I can't find a way to do either. I do need a change, I know that.
But I'm caught between two extremes.
Both of them will continue to be lonely so I may not be happy either way; but one is dangerous and risky, the other is safe and boring.
I don't know how to push myself.
I have too much of a stubborn mind and an unbreakable promise to fit into society and not become rebellious and unstable.
I want to run free, but my feet would bleed and my arms would scathe from being scratched, so to say.
I feel locked away, guarded by my own fire-breathing inferiority complex and waiting for something to come to me.
My life isn't a fairy tale, it's a tragedy, and I should know better.
It hit me when my mom wouldn't let me ride a spinny thing at the festival today. I'm going in to see if I have open heart surgery this summer or next summer on Monday. She said it was risky, I should stay away.
Part of me wanted to walk away and prove I was strong, the other part knew I wasn't.
I bit my tongue until it bled, realizing I'm not as strong as I let on.
There are others that are worse off than me.

I shouldn't be so freaked out by a shadow.
But... There, it lingers.
Superego complex or id?
Angel or demon?
Adolescence or adulthood?
Rebellion or sanctity?
Solitude or solitude?
Monotonous or unpleasant?

I need a shrink. Or a psychic. Or a drink.
Something.