Well today is Saturday. Yesterday was Friday; the last day of High School classes I will ever attend. Currently, it's 2:22am, and I'm sitting at my computer writing because my friends are all passed out because they're tired in my room and I'm wide awake because its' the one point in my drunken faze where I feel the need to spill everything that I think about without a single bit of a filter. Unfortunately, as I sad, all of my friend are asleep and I feel bad to keep them up so I just let it slide like it's no big deal and let them sleep. it's a very important thing, sleep is, so how can i deny someone something like that? not to mention that I never do sleep anyways, so this is nothing new for me; staying up all hours of the night to write on the computer.
Anyways, I just felt the need to document my feelings at the moment; writing is too slow and I can type a lo faster so it's better records.
I told my friend my feelings on religion. She agreed, and that was a success. I was worried that I was the only one who felt truly awkward at my friends Mormon Graduation Ceremony or something or other that she dragged us to today because of "friend point." I didn't know what they were until she clarified that they were, in fact, essentially a favor you do for your friend in return for an equally as awkward favor.; She dragged four of us, two of them slept over and another friend. Two of them passed out before I got into my sharing stage, and the other didn't actually understand that it was my "share everything" stage. Probably because I haven't talked about it. This journal is probably the most outrageous sh** I've never written, but I really just need to type like I’m talking to someone.
One of the last things we talked about tonight, me and my friend who stayed awake the longest, was our dreams. Apparently, my dreams are really freaky because I dream about people dying. Her weird dreams are about people with blue hair and dogs without heads that are still alive (and I quote that). Mine area bout family dying and friends dying, and it’s truly frightening. She doesn't understand that my dreams are in full on gore mode because I have this habit of following gore blogs with fantastic photos because I have this obsession with the thought of everything you are being free and flowing from your body.. It's just such a beautiful thing to see such freedom from something so personal. I just wish I had the courage to experience it for myself.
But alas, I'm scared to commit to anything so permanent; just as I'm too scared to have a tattoo because I'm scared that someone will find it and it will limit my job opportunities. I know that people say it really doesn't affect anything, but I feel that most of the people that do have tattoos go into an artistic job that doesn't really care if you have tattoos. if you go into the business world, unless you've established you're name with tattoos, then you're really no one with tattoos. Why would you give that all up? I figure I'm going to set a life for myself before I go sacrificing everything with a tattoo that I'm probably going to regret a month after I get anyways.
I should probably find something that symbolizes this point in my life because it's the most.. Outlandish point of time in my life so far. So many thoughts have run through my head, and I'm sure they’re portrayed so horribly in this journal, but I'm really truly, really I’m trying. I'm trying to share my feelings but the buzz it wearing off and I’m just typing..
I'm scared I'm going to be one of those people that can't share anything without being drunk/high. Not that I've been high, but I’m scared to get high because I’m scared that if I do, I'll always want to be high. I'm scared that my brain functioning will be so much more.. interesting that I’ll always want to be high so I'll mess myself up for the future and never be happy being sober and healthy. I mean, so many people are messed for life because they've become addicted with the idea of junk food/fast food; I mean, honestly, It's so fast and easy, and it's almost cheaper than eating healthier. You get a full meal for like. $2.00 or less, whereas if you were to buy healthy you'd pay a lot more for that. In all honesty, if you didn't gain weight from junk food I’d eat it all the time. It really is addicting, and I feel that with any sort of drug it would do the same thing. I've been offered drugs once in my life. The only reason why I didn't accept it was because I was the designated driver for that night. If not, I would probably have both had drinks and gotten high.
I'm really cared to move out on my own.
I'm scared of what people are capable of, I'm scared of what they dream of. There are so many people who have the freakiest dreams, the freakiest fantasies and I'm scared someone will try them out on me. Sometimes I wish I was a masochist because then I'd be not so scared to be victim to a murderer it'd be easier to deal with the pain. I wish I could follow my own advice and just live life as it is instead of always trying to figure it out. I mean, when I write I understand that life is just.. life. There's no explaining it to me. Sure you could get all scientific and go into the biology of everything, but what's the point when you don't see it and all it is, is terms on a page or a screen and nothing more? If you major in it and it's you life then yeah, go ahead. if not, why bother leaning it? It has no importance to me so I don’t learn it. Instead, I think of the physiological meanings for why it is we're alive, or what it means to be alive. I don't actually have answers or either because I’ve decided there is no answer for either of them,. And I've decided that I don't like religion because I hate being dedicated to something someone. It's too restricting. I like to be free, without chains. Religion and family and friends are only chains that bind you to a certain lace, time, and it stops you from making decisions that you want to do.
I just wish I had someone to tell this to. Sure it’s one thing to talk to people on the internet or over the phone, but it’s a whole new thing to talk to someone in real life, as I've found out tonight. It was just so liberating to talk to my friend about my dreams, and I wish I could 3express my feelings about everything else to her, or someone else in real life. I just don't know who it is that I'd trust with that kind of thing. It’s something that's really important to me and I don’t want just anything top know about it.
I mean, why would you want everyone to know about dreams with family dying?
That's just weird.
I just wish someone would notice my absence and come looking for me.
I wish they’d just listen.
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