Love is.. . ..DIFFICULT!!

It's been a while since I've been on here but I've been doing alot of growing up and learning. No matter how much I learn or how much I grow up, I still have so much trouble with love. I've ALWAYS been in love with my best friend. We have always been super close. He can tell me anything and I can tell him anything. We talked about how we feel only like once. He said he did care about me but he is just scared to lose my frienship because he wouldn't know what to do if he lost me.

Well at the beach a week ago, we were both drinking, and I made the comment "you don't care about me." I made the comment kind of playfully/ jokingly but he got really mad. He walked away, so I followed him. He had tears in his eyes and was really pissed. We talked it out and I somehow confessed my love for him and he told me that he did love me too. He told me, "there is nothing I can do that I'm not thinking of you." He told me that he loved me 10 times more than his ex girlfriend that he was IN LOVE with. He also told me that he loved me but he couldn't love me the way I wanted him to love me. To add to the confusion, he told me that he was "connected" to me and that he had fallen for me a year ago. Well, we went inside the house and got in the bed with my best friend, brook. Ben and I were laying facing each other and Brook was behind me. Ben would whisper "I love you" every few minutes. What I least expected was for him to kiss me. He kissed me with such emotion and passion. I thought it was real. We didn't cross the line. He slept in the bed with Brook and I and then he went to his bed in the morning.

This is where it gets. . .sad. Well, that day it was a little awkward, but not just horribly awkward. He ended up telling me that night that he had made a mistake and he was sorry. He also ended up going off on me saying "What do you want from me? Please just tell me what you want?" He told me that he did love me (again), and he said it just wasn't the way I wanted it. I ended up crying, cause it hurt so bad. I told him, "I don't want anything from you, Ben. You led me on and then you turned me away. It f**kin' sucks!!" I went upstairs and cryed like I never have before. I was hypervenilating and had a sick-to-my-stomach feeling. It was horrible.

My brother came upstairs to talk to me. He told me that Ben did love me more than a friend but he LOVED having me as a best friend that he could tell anything to. He was so scared that he would lose me. That just makes it harder for me.

Ben and I have talked and we have come to a understanding, I think. I think that all of the awkwardness is gone. Don't think I'm looking for sympathy, I just want to know if there is someone that something like this happened to them. Is there hope at all? A lot of people say "when people drink; the truth comes out." I wonder if that is true. I asked Ben if anything he said had been true, and he said "yes, some of it." I would like some comments/ advice. thanks