first love. first heartbreak.

YOU! you ruined my life. I won't ever be her anymore. I've changed. since you tore my heart out, I'm a totally diffrent person. I used to hate you for it. I wanted to make you cry. make you hurt like I did for oh so long... but now, the pain has gone, along with the anger. i no longer hate you. I want to thank you for teaching me a very important life lesson. last july, I thought you had taken away my life. and in a way, I guess you did. I'm more understanding, I'm more aware of people. I don't freak out over everything. You were my first REAL relationship. My first love. you taught me so much in our short time together. i still wish you hadn't kicked me out of you life. but I understand why you did it. I scared you. and I'm sorry. you and I will never be again. we'll probally never even look at eachother again. but we have the memories. i'm happy again. it took a long time to get here. it's been almost a year since you left me. and i'm just not getting better. i never had the closure i wanted. but i didn't deserve it. now, when i think about you, i smile. i laugh. i have some very amazing memories from our relationship. there are things that will stay with me forever. and yearss from now, when my daughter asks about my "first love", i'll tell her your name. and how much you meant to me. i'll tell her about your amazing eyes and your beautiful smile. and how even though i have no clue where you are or who you are anymore. that i still love you. i wont be in love with you. i'm not in love with you anymore. but the memories, i'll love forever. like the first time we actually met. that had to be the most awkward day of my life. but oh, SO worth it. i hope i cross your mind every now and then. and i hope you smile, like i do. i hope you aren't angry with me anymore. i hope you forgive me. and i hope that everything that happend didn't change the way you felt about me, when we loved eachother. i hope you don't think that you didn't love me. but even if you do.... i don't. i know i loved you. just thinking of you could make me smile...
i went through all our old stuff last night. i'm getting ready for the year anniversary of our breakup. i'm going to completly let you go...
things are so much better now. i have an amazing boyfriend who i could NOT have gotten through this year without. he's been there for me when i needed him and i love him.
i know you cared. don't pretend that you didn't.