Sick To My Stomach

Dear Journal,
I haven't written in a while. I don't know what to say anymore. The way I feel has moved way beyond words. I have been trying to forget everything and just move on but I can't. I still have break downs but I try not to do so infront of others. If they know I'm upset, they will be upset. The fact that he's dead makes me feel like only half of me exists. I don't know if that makes sense.. but it's the way I feel. I feel sick about it. I want to cry all the time but I can't. I have to be careful not to let the saddness show because it will cause problems. My mom is already worried about so much that if I am sad she will be even more worried. My dad is out of town because he's a firefighter and he was deployed to go fight a fire. It's scary because it's dangerous. I don't like it when he's gone because it's very hard for my mom. She loves him a lot. I don't want to worry her anymore when she's already got enough on her plate. I feel sick about everything. Maybe it's the hot weather that makes me feel dizzy and gross. Maybe I am actually sick. I don't really know but everything is so hard right now. I love a dead man. My dad is in danger. My sister is always busy. My mom's stressed. My friend is leaning on me because her home sittuation. I can't do it all. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough to carry all this weight on my shoulders! I can't do it. I'm fallling apart.

-Nicole.