Depression, Endurance, and Perseverance

I felt as if no one truly cared. I felt like I was alone. I felt like no one understood. I felt like nothing would get better. I felt like everything was gradually getting worse. I didn’t feel like the future was worth dealing with what I was going through. I didn’t feel like this life was worth living.

At the beginning of freshmen year, my depression reached its climax, or should I say ultimate low.

At the time, I felt like none of my friends cared about me anymore. They never included me in anything they did, but, even when I was around, they talked about how much fun they had hanging out while I wasn’t there. They had previously told me directly all the things they didn’t like about me, things that were a part of who I was. The only best friend I ever had had moved away, and she grew close to other friends while drifting away from me.

I also didn’t believe I could go to my family about how I really felt. My brother, sister, and I always fought. I could rarely have a discussion with them that didn’t turn out in an argument. My parents were divorced, and I switched between their two houses two to three times a week. I was never with either of them long enough to feel like I could talk to them. And even if I could, I didn’t want to tell them how I felt, because I knew how much it would upset them.

Day after day, I bottled it all up. Sure, I would break down and spill some of my guts from time to time, but I never truly talked to anyone about how sad I was. I thought that if I told my friends, they wouldn’t care, and I didn’t want to face that rejection. I thought that if I told my family, they would be upset with me for feeling that way, and I didn’t want to add to the emotional turmoil we were already facing.

I never felt like the person I was was good enough. I wasn’t as pretty as other girls. I wasn’t as skinny as other girls. Boys didn’t like me as much as other girls. I didn’t play sports like other girls. I never won anything that wasn’t related to grades. I wasn’t ‘cool’. I wasn’t as close to my friends as they were to each other. I didn’t have a whole family like my friends did. I didn’t get to go to the same home every night. I was too tall. My hair never looked good. My clothes weren’t cute enough. My cheeks were too red. I had to wear glasses. I was a geek. I was a nerd in the band. I was a bookworm. I was ‘just Grace’.

Needless to say, I didn’t think much of myself. I constantly asked God, “Why did you make me this way?” I didn’t feel like I measured up. I felt like I would always come in last. I felt like I wasn’t special in any way.

I was drowning in a sea of insecurity, and I thought no one would help pull me out of the water.

I wanted people to see the pain I was in. I constantly wished I would be in some kind of accident so that people could physically see the pain I’d been going through for so many years. I would be walking on the sidewalk and pray that a car would come hit me. I would be in the car and wish that we’d get into an accident where everyone else in the car walked off without a scratch, and I would be scarred beyond recognition. I wanted people to know how much I hurt on the inside that I wished physical injury on myself, just so people would see, and maybe, just maybe, understand. I wanted them to know so badly, I just didn’t know how to tell them.

I felt like the only way for all my problems to go away was for this life to end. I thought that if I could just leave this world, everyone would be much happier, and I wouldn’t have to deal with all the pain that constantly battered my heart. I wanted it all to end, so I thought suicide was the answer.

But I never purposely hurt myself. I was stubborn, and decided that I shouldn’t have to. I believed that if God really cared about me, He’d to it for me, that He would strike me down Himself, just to keep me from enduring anymore pain. I thought that He loved me enough to kill me Himself. I didn’t love me enough to end it, but I believed that God did.

God never took my life from me though. I cried out to Him, asking Him to take my life from me. I told Him that I didn’t want it anymore, that I couldn’t go through it all anymore. I cried out for Him to just take it all away.

Then God showed me something. He showed me that He loves me too much to take me Home just yet. He taught me that no matter what I go through, if I go to Him, and lay everything at His feet, He will take my life in His hands, and make something new, and better, out of it.

At that moment, I laid it all at His feet, and I clung to Him. I realized that I couldn’t go on without Him. I cried out to Him, and asked Him to do His Will in my life. And that’s exactly what He did.

I began to open up to my friends and, to my surprise, they listened, and they cared about what I had to say. More than that, they supported and accepted who I was. Out of those friendships blossomed an even stronger one that created for me my second-ever ‘best friend’. It was an amazing feeling to finally know that I could go to someone that would listen and try to help me through the tough times.

I also grew closer to, not only my parents, but my brother and sister as well. All of my relationships were strengthened when I began being honest and open about how I felt. When I stopped bottling everything up and started telling people when I was upset, I felt lighter, as if a weight was lifted.

I no longer felt like all the burdens in my heart were weighing me down because I had given those burdens to God! I finally realized that this life was worth living. I saw that no matter how bad things got, they will get better, you must have to persevere.

God also revealed to me that I was loved, just the way I was. I was me, and that’s exactly who He made me to be! I couldn’t find my self-worth by comparing myself to others. I need to look to God and see that He loves me enough that He gave EVERYTHING to be with me! He is using my gifts and talents to do His work. Yes, there are always improvements that need to be made, but it’s not so I can be as good as someone else, it’s so that I can be the best ‘Grace’ I can be.

You may not share my belief in God, Jesus, and His saving grace. But it saved my life, making me believe in how true His word is.

If you want to talk about any of the issues I've talked about, or anything else for that matter, just message me. I promise I won't turn you away if you don't share my beliefs, and I won't shove 'religion' down your throat. I just know that it's hard when you feel like no one is there. So just know, I'm here. I don't know you, I don't know your situation. It's nothing like mine, so I won't completely understand it, but I'll listen anyways.

-Graci