Stress Relief

I'm writing in this journal because I think it will be good for me . It's starting to get hard holding everything in. I don't know if anyone will read this and I frankly don't care . I just feel like I have to do this .

It's 12:25 here and it's extremely quiet at my house. My mom's working third tonight so it's just me , my dad , and my sister . Everything going on around me has gotten me thinking . I question stuff too much . Sometimes I wonder if it's a good thing . Everything's been extremely stressful over the past 6 or 7 months .

I'm still kind of numb from my grandpa's passing . I was extremely close to him . I wish I could have been there more for him . That's been the hardest for me . I regret not spending more time with him . I took it for granted and now he's not here . I still haven't had closure .

Then the guy that I tried to separate myself from the most comes waltzing back into my life like nothing ever happened , tearing walls down that took me so long to build up . I thought he had changed back into his old self . Boy was I wrong . He's the same ole douche bag that walked out of my life over a year ago . He only came back because he wanted something from me . He couldn't even talk to me in public . He was ashamed of me . But he still expected me to give him what he wanted when he asked . It's kind of pathetic . I guess I'm pathetic .

I think too much about what I look like and what I should look like . I have issues with my body and I'm very insecure . I beat myself down over and over again . I don't have people around to tell me I'm pretty . I mean I do , but they're family and friends and I think that they feel like they have to . I mean , come on , let's be real . I'm not pretty . All my friends are extremely pretty and then there's me . They all have guys interested in them . Boyfriends that tell them that they're beautiful and are there to comfort and cuddle with them . Guys are interested in me too , but for one reason - sex . I have no idea why either . I still have my innocence . It's the only thing I have left and I'm guarding it with my life . I also have trust issues . I feel like I can't trust anyone .

I'm going to try and make myself better . For me . I feel like I owe myself that . I need to keep my sanity . That's another reason for this journal . It's going to be my therapist . Well until next time .

--A