Helpless

Aunty Laura,
I need your help and guidance. Every day it gets harder and harder to get up out of bed. it takes all my energy to go to school and do well. But no matter how hard i try and how well i do its never enough for me or her. I'm always scrutinizing my self to please mom. It gets harder to smile every hour and sleeping never come without nightmares. The only thing that can ever pry me out of bed is the thought of getting out of the house. Its a hell hole. Nothing is ever good enough for mom and I'm always doing things for her. I used to love my life but lately I have found my self asking why I'm here and why I'm living. I miss the old me. The one where i was happy, and never a bitch. I used to be able to make anyone laugh and laugh along with them. Now even when I'm laughing i feel empty. Why is there this pit inside of me engulfing the old Destiny. I feel helpless and unable to be myself any more. And being at home makes me angry. I find myself thinking of ways to hurt the kids or leave. I'm a miserable wreck and i don't know what to do. Why do i feel this way ? why did you have to go, why couldn't it have been me instead of you, or grandma, or papa, or Akela or terry. Why is it god feels that i have the strength to deal with all this shit and not break. I feel like hes testing me, like hes seeing if i will over come it. I know it takes hard work to get to glory but this pain is tearing me apart. I no longer want or care if i live. What has happened to me ? why do i feel this way ? I wish all of this would stop, the stress and headaches and the constant nagging. Why must i be strong ? why me ? Why is it no matter what i do its never enough ad no matter what i say i always get in trouble. All these negative feelings overwhelm me and bog me down.I'm like Ophelia in Hamlet, the weight of my water logged wool clothes is pulling me under the water and i feel like I'm drowning is sorrow. Please help me ! i Feel hopeless. helpless and lost. I don't know what to do anymore! Please !!!