Indescribable Pain

Dear Journal,
His death is beginning to hurt more lately. The pain is finally settling in and it's monstrous. At first I felt hurt but now I feel excruciating pain. I used to think of him and smile but now I can't even think of smiling. I haven't written to you in a while because I haven't felt like it. I haven't felt like writing anything or reading anything. Every time I do something it reminds me of my loss. I don't understand why God took him from me. Why him?? Why did it have to be him? I don't know. I always hated sympathy cards, you know? The ones that say stuff like, 'We are here for you to help you through this difficult time, with our sympathy and love' or, 'We offer outre sympathy as you mourn you loss'. Those cards make me angry for some reason. Another thing that I hate is when people tiptoe around the subject and pretend nothing happen. For example someone will say something about him and then be like 'oh oh I'm so sorry to bring that up!; or they will completely ignore that he even existed. Well the fact of the matter is he IS dead. He WAS alive AND he died. Ignoring it is probably the hardest thing to do, and it's the most painful in the end. I tried to forget, I tried to erase him from my life but it's impossible. No matter what he will always be in my heart and in my memories so it's no good trying to forget something that was and is still clearly there. The smallest things make me cry. I zone out a lot when I think about him. The memories feel so far away, like a dream; so distant and foreign, yet so real! I wanna pull my hair out, and scream at the top of my lungs. It hurst like a knife slicing through my chest over and over and over again. It feels like I'm all alone and I'm no longer loved. It's like all of the love I had dissapeared when he left. I know that's not true. I know others love me but the loss of a large amount of love was the result of his death and it's leaving me feeling empty inside. When I think about him being gone I can barely stand. When I think about the good times we used to have I break down into tears. I find myself thinking of how he'd be so proud of me. He'd be so happy for me being able to work with horses and teach kids. He'd be so happy and proud if he knew just what I am doing for the summer. I miss that about him.; his encouragement and support. I miss that he won't get to here of my adventures anymore and taht I won't get to feel and hear and see him. Ugh. I miss him. I can't even describe the pain I feel now that he's gone.

-Nicole.