Sad as hell

Today's the anniversery of my brothers death, and even though I always tell people it still hurts, they tend to blow it off like I should just move on already. Honestly I probably should move on but I just can't. I miss him so much. He's the one who gave me my nickname, Sunshine and his favorite number was 53, hence my username. :/

It feels like no one really cares about him, which makes me want to cry even more. I wish people would realize that it isn't easy to get over. It wasn't some freak accident where you realize there probably was nothing you could do. It was a suicide. He planned it and everything. I remember the night perfectly to and still have nightmares from it. He came in my room one night and tucked me, sang me a song and then told me I was his Sunshine and nothing would ever change that. I fell asleep and woke up screaming from a nightmare and went into his room like I normally did when I got scared. He wasn't in his bed but his bathroom door was open a tad b, letting the light seep into his room. I knocked on the door, pushing it open.....

I screamed for my parents and they came running. It was an ugly sight to see and even now it brings me pain. It was about 5 years ago. When I was nine. He was sixteen, had a wonderful girlfriend and was talented in music. He taught me everything I know about music and I still play the song he sang to me to this day.

Maybe it was stupid to put this up, but I guess I felt like I should tell someone, even if I don't know you. He was the one person I looked up to and now he's gone. I feel like I should let him go and only think of him when his death anniversery comes around, but he's always on my mind. Excpessially because my parents always compare me to how he used to be. I think he'd be proud of me, but because he's not here I'll never know if I'm dissapointing him like my parents say I am...

I miss you Kyle... R.I.P big bro... I'm still singing your songs. XoXo

~Cheyenne