Have you ever had those moments where you wish you could go back in time and relive a specific moment? Have you ever had those moments where you are listening to a certain song, and you want to go back to that time frame and stay there forever? Have you ever felt so upset about something that is bad now, that was so good at the beginning? Do you ever wish you could just go back and completely redo the whole year? Trying to fix the broken pieces that are now? I'm going through that right now. I have... problems that I wish I didn't have before... that someone. I have problems with previous friends because of that someone. Now I just feel that I have to go back and fix everything. I feel that everything has been messed up because I meet that someone. I feel like my life has been completely different and sometimes not in a good way. Sometimes I feel that I was... used in our friendship. Sometimes I feel that I was only there when... that someone, needed a shoulder to cry on. I feel that someone has only liked me because I had changed completely. Sometimes I regret the fact that I changed my whole lifestyle completely. But other times I feel that if I didn't change, I'd still be a pushover; a mat for everyone to walk over. I guess in someway that someone has changed me for the better, but I only changed through the failures in our friendship. Is it selfish of me to feel like I don't want to be friends with that person after just a few short months of a friendship? Is it selfish for me to feel like I want out of a friendship that was most likely based on lies? Is it selfish of me to just dump that friend after going through so much with them? I guess I was never completely happy in my friendship. I guess I had been warned about that hidden agenda that someone had. I was aware that I was possibly being used throughout the friendship, on some sub-conscience level. I don't know; only two people know what I am talking about right now. And it doesn't bother me that that someone is being hurt through this letter. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me ungrateful? Everything has been so different since that night at school. My whole life had been flipped around. Some for the better, some for the worse. But somehow I managed to live through it all. I have had my moments where I felt that nothing in the world mattered anymore, and I chose to not talk about them to anyone. Especially the two people that mean the most to me in this world. And now that they are probably reading this right now, I feel horrible about not letting them in on my home situation. But most of it has to deal with that one person that I met and now I think that it had all been an act to see how far they could push me before I cracked. To see how far they could take advantage of me. Nothing is improtant to me anymore. My grades have been in the shit since. I haven't been being completely there at home. I haven't been listening to my parents as much as I used to. I've gotten in more trouble than ever this year. And most of it probably has to do with that "friendship." I'm not completely blaming my actions all on this friend. I'm not trying to run away from my problems by using this friend as an excuse for my behavior. I know damn well that my behavior has been on me a lot of the time, but I feel that friend had some partake in my actions. Does that mean I'm a baby? Sounding like I'm blaming all of my problems on that friend?
This probably sounded like a bunch of rambling to a majority of you, but to me, this is a personal problem and made all the sense in the world to me. I feel that I had to get this off of my chest. Now that I think about it, I feel that this is just a way to tell that friend it's over with out telling that friend it's over. You know?
&KirstenKemically;
Just to let those of you that actually finished this and acutally feel some sort of compassion for me, thank you. It means a lot to me that you know what my situation is and that I'm not just some bitch telling her friend it's over through myspace. Which is not the case at all. Which is what I hope you all know.
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