Not Wanting to Exist Any Longer...

Dear Journal,
LIfe is sucks. I mean think about it, we waste our time day after day repeating boring routines just sitting around waiting to die. We create things that are seriously dumb to entertain ourselves for mere seconds and then wallow in our own misery because we are bored. We are selfish creatures. We want our love ones and ourselves to live forever, we want to do nothing all day and have everything! I'm not saying that we're completely horrible, but most of us are pretty pathetic, don't ya think? I'm tired of doing this whole 'living' thing. I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't want to be here! I'm missing the love of my life and now life kinda feels pointless. That reminds me of what he told me once; he said, "Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless." It's funny cause he never knew I'd be the one living without him. It really is terrible. I mean, he was so amazing and special and caring. I will be close with anyone the way I was close with him. He was so so sweet and grrr, I can't explain. Sometimes I feel like he's just going to show up one day out of the blue like he was never dead at all, but I know that's not going to happen. You know how in movies the people are all like,"NO they aren't dead! I would be able to feel it if they were dead!", well that's not exactly how it works. I know he's dead but sometimes it dosen't feel like it. If you think about it, this world is pretty fickle. It has a reason for those who, like me, believe in God. But to most it doesn't feel as if it has a purpose. I feel purposeless (that's not even a word is it?) a lot of the time. I feel as if I'm no longer needed here on this Earth, like my job has been completed. Is there more for me out there? Am I needed somewhere else? I feel like I'm waiting to be called home...I don't feel like I belong here. I'm an alien. Now believe me, Journal, I will never ever ever commit suicide! Never will I kill myself. I don't beleive that would be right. I will wait out my time and when I die, that's when my life is over. I just feel like I don't want to exist anymore. I feel meaningless. Gr. Life without him is exactly like a broken pencil.

-Nicole.