My Personal Escape

Dear Journal,
You help me a lot. You help me when I can't talk to anyone else about everything. You help me when I am breaking down and falling apart. I know you aren't real and you can't even reply to what I have to say, but that's what I like about you. I like that you can't talk. It also helps me when people comment on you, and are supportive. It is so much easier to talk to people I don't know about my problems. You, my dear Journal, are my escape. You are my mental release. I can speak to you whenever I am feeling hurt or in pain. I can tell you all about my life and feeling without you judging me. You are better than any therapist or doctor because you can't tell me what to do or try to diagnose me with some crazy illness crap. You just listen. I sound crazy huh? Talking to nothing... but whatever, it makes me feel better. You know, I just don't care what anybody thinks anymore. I don't care what 'they' say about me. I am me and that's all I'm going to be. I'm tired of trying to look good and act perfect ya know? I just want to live my life without anybody saying anything to me. I want to live without people constantly waiting for me to mess up. They all whisper behind my back; they think I can't hear them. They say,"Oh that's the girl whose boyfriend died!" or "She's so depressed, she needs to move on with her life." Ugh, some people are so dumb. They don't get it, they won't ever get it until someone they loves dies. The other day I was speaking to my friend and another kid was there as well. She asked me how I was dong and I said, "It's rough but God'll get me through it." then the other kid that was there said, "Oh go cry in a corner emo kid." Normally stuff like that doesn't bother me, but this time it really hit me hard. It hurt a lot because I have been crying in corners every day since he died. I have been feeling this horrible pain for a long time. I know I'm selfish to only worry about my pain but still, it really hurt me. I don't know what possed him to say that to me. I began to cry after he said it. I ran away because we were in a crowded room. When I came back from the bathroom every one was staring and giving me pitiful looks. I have never felt so embarrased in my life. I felt so sick and alone. I miss my sister too. She's always gone. We used to spend so much time with eachother and now that I need her she's not around. She's always been my rock; she's kept me strong when I needed it. When I was dating him I didn't need her as much but now I do. I wish she was here more but again, I am being selfish. She has her own life and her own worries, That's what I have learned through all this; no one has time to mourn with someone else. It doens't make me angry or deem them selfish. It's a fact though; people each have their own problems and it would take a very very very strong, slefless, understanding, caring person to help someone else carry their burdens. It woudl take a very wise person to help another through their problems selflessly with no complaints. I do have Megan though, Megan is amazing. We are always there for eachother, her family issues suck so when we hang out we often talk to eachother about our problems. We cry together, and laugh together, and get angry together. We are pretty close and I am SOOO thankful for that. Anyways Journal, I just wanted to say that you help me a lot when I need vent. You are my very own personal escape.

-Nicole.