"Is there a killer for this pain? Is there a remedy for hating every second I'm without you?"

I suppose I've started this emotional cycle of feeling absolute pure hate towards everything in my life and then feeling nothing but pure and blissful glee. But the part that is most common, between both of those emotions, is the in between. The part where I ask myself what I'm doing, the part where I come back to reality, the part where everything is gray and no memories are made. The part where my brain shuts down and there's nothing there but blankness. And then it's gone and I'm either in love, in pain, sad, happy, angry, depressed, pensive or high. And an extreme of all of those.

And the worst part....is that I feel like I'm slowly going crazy. I feel as if everyone looks at me like I'm the biggest dip-shit crazy ass naieve little girl who ever walked the planet. I constantly feel like everyone has these low expectations of me...like I'm probably not capable of doing things by myself. I feel like all these emotions are pointless...like I'm feeling them for no reason. But I feel like every emotion I ever feel is fucking justified....like it should matter. But...

I suddenly feel like I don't matter. Like I could be here and it wouldn't matter. Like my boyfriend could probably go on without me, like my friends have accepted the fact that I'm nothing but a flake, that I left them for my boyfriend. Like if I didn't do theater it wouldn't matter. Like I;m permanently at the bottom of the totem pole.

It sucks. That's what it is. There's no one here to explain this to me, to tell me that what I'm feeling is normal, that these random outbursts of absolute pain and need of love are OK, that someone cares. I feel...so...so alone. And god...the worst part is that I'm not...that I have everything a 15 year old could ever ask for and I'm sad....I'm depressed, i''m crying.

My parents do everything for me....everything. So why do I feel like this? Why all of the sudden in the past two months has it been nothing but a roller coaster? Why do I feel like all of my efforts have gone to nothing? Why do I feel like I'm at a standstill and I'm doing absolutely nothing with my life?

Excuse all of this. I guess I just had to write it out. Because in five minutes I'll feel happy again and I'll forget how horrible I feel.