Sorrow

Dear Journal,
My heart hearts. You know that pounding, aching, severe pain that books and movies describe; yeah that's the pain I feel. At least I feel something though. Most of the time I'm numb from the inside out. It's nice to at least feel some kind of something right? Anyways I keep feeling like I need someone to help me out of this, to make me forget but when I think about it, I don't. I don't want to move on. I am not ready. They always say, "You can't love a dead man." (harsh right? Well someone said that to me actually.) or they'll say, "You have to move on and forget about the past. Let me tell you something people,I NEED time to grieve. I NEED to remember him in order to move on. They think I can just throw everything I ever knew about it and move on with my life. I can tell you right now that I probably won't even consider a boyfriend for the next year. I can't even imagine being in a relationship. It hurts my head to even think of loving someone else. Saddly, I am in love with a dead man. People don't like the way I talk about him. Crissy says it's too blunt, but everything is the cold, bitter truth. I don't beat around the bush because when I do it feels like I'm lying to myself. I don't do the whole, "You know who..." (that's what they say when they talk about him around me :P) and I don't say, "He's passed on." Because I mean, I guess they're right; he has passed on, but it isn't real when they say it that way. Truth is, he is dead. That's all there is to it. I rather just say it like that then try to decode what they mean with their "gentle" words. Psh please. Anyways, I just needed a good vent. It's times like these that I wish for a miracle. I wish that just for a second he could be alive somehow out there. Ugh. Why do I have to feel so sorrowful and empt. I suppose it's bed time. Good night.

-Nicole.