Night Tears and Thoughts

Did I fuck up?

That one thought is tearing my brain in two, straight down the middle. I had you, and you had me. Then, nothing. An emptiness in your words, in our talks. That beautiful face of yours is tearing my heart in two now. Why? Why does this one hurt so much?

You were going to save me. The wounds I felt were patching up. I was honestly trying to be a better person, not to impress you, only because that's what you deserve. You didn't deserve the person I was, so I changed for what I thought was the better. You are the sole reason why I started talking to God again. I never even attempted to utter a peep at him since Noah died. The strange thing was that even though I was changing, I still could be totally honest with you. I wasn't covering myself with lies in order to get you to fall for someone who wasn't me. I was honestly being a new me, for you.

Then you wanted to just be friends. You said that's how things started out, and that that's how they should be. Apparently I missed something, because from the first time we started talking, I knew I felt something greater. I thought you felt that too. I'm honestly fine with being friends, just so long as we are actually friends, as opposed to this "let him off easy" thing that's happening right now. I will be your friend, hell, I'd keep trying to be a better person to just try and see what might happen. We could just be friends until either of us were six feet under, and I would be just fine.

I don't think you truly yet realize how unfair this all is too. You may think I sound like a whining child, but the fact is, I left so much behind just because of you. I let someone I planned on pursuing pass me by because I didn't want her. I had a second chance at what could have been an amazing relationship. I didn't take it. I even had an opportunity to lose my goddam virginity. A girl openly admitted that she wanted to fuck me, and I turned the other way without another thought.

You said that a major issue was that I hadn't walked with God and lived a Christian life. In all fairness, you don't get to let that matter. You have not the foggiest clue as to why I turned my back to that, and I guarantee you would have done the same if the same happened to you. It's especially not fair because I was willing to get back on that path. To look past the many, many flaws of the people of that religion to get to the core and walk with God again. I can't do that by myself though. I need a person to help, friend or more. Now you're leaving me high and dry here with my hand held out, wanting your help.

Now I'm just hurting. I'm broken and beat. I've never fallen this low before. All you have effectively done is set my heart on fire, then leave me standing here. Now I only am more angry at God. You are the first thing to make me cry since Noah died. Shit still happened in between, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I know you started with a shitty life, but right now, you are doing damn good in life. Shit may or may not be happening to you right now, but you've got so much to fall back on. I envy you for that.

This isn't to try and get you back. I realize that that ship has sailed for you. I agreed to be honest with you, so this is to explain the brutal truth to you. I know you think that everyone is coming out of this just fine, but that's not true. I can't be the person I was changing into anymore. There's no reason for it anymore. Now, I see your face, and I hate everything in life. I want to drink and smoke and throw salt on slugs and kick the bark off trees and cuss at the top of my lungs. Then I just go back to who i used to be before I met you. Someday, looking at my face is going to do something for you to. You'll look at it, and realize that you killed what could have been a great person.

Life's a bitch. Now we both have to deal with that.