Just.A.Pawn.In.Your.Game.

Okkk. So there is a little background to this storyy. But this is what is on my minddd. I'm only thinking about it too, cause StephiiStephs is not online to talk to me.

Okkk...Here we go.

Just this past month I got out of a relationship. You could say it was bad. It was with this guy named austin. I met him through some friends, and we really clicked. We joked around and called eachother best friends. I added him on facebook, made a joking comment sayin', "Glad we met, BestFriend" or something like that. His girlfriend gets on there and everything is fine at firstt..Then she starts sayin' how there is no possible way we could be best friends...It's all a joke at first. Well at one point i was suppose to move. My friend Sheldon throws a little get together at his pool with a couple of friends. There's me, alyssa, sheldon, steven, seth, and austin. We smoke a little, and drink a little. He keeps on giving me this look...You know the look where it's like...I want something..Everyone is talking, having a good timee, we're swimming, everything is good. As far as i had known him and his girlfriend broke up. I was interested. He made me smile, he made me laugh. While in the pool, He keeps swimming towards me. Touching me in some form. There are points where i'm on his back, for a piggy back ride..Then all of a sudden...We are just standing there...Lookin' at eachother...And we kiss...Then he grabs my hand and tells me he is going to go get a beer. My heart flutters. Just thinking about that moment right now...it makes it flutter. I look at my best friend Alyssa, she is smiling. I get out of the pool, and check my phone, drink a little...Joke around. Austin turns on the shower that's outside right next to the pool. He stands there staring at me, tellin' me how warm it is. I go stand in it next to me. Everyone else is in the pool. He looks down at me. And kisses me again...I'm completely caught off guard. At one point a cop pulls up. He id's us. There was a noise complaint. While he is ID'ing us, Austin is standing by my side..Just staring at me. He grabs me by the hip, my stomach tightens. The feelings i felt for him...And to think...That was only the beginning of this rollercoaster. When we go back to get our stuff and leavee...I have voicemails, and phonecalls from a random number. I listen to the voicemails, and it's two girls callin' me a slut, and a homewrecker and shit. Now remember, i'm high, and tipsy. I call the number back..It's austins ex. I get defensive, cause i'm being called a bitch, and a slut. I don't take kindly to that. She's looking for him. I tell her i dont know where he is, even though he is sitting right next to me. He didn't want me to tell her. The whole car lied to her. Finallyy she quit blowing up my phone. I ended up staying at his house that night, with one of my best friends. We ended up making out. His ex calls my phone the next morning, asking if i'm with him...I lie and say no. That afternoon she ends up showing up at the house. I will tell you she went HAM. She came in..Saw me...Walked up to austin, got in his face screaming and cryingg...Then she stepped towards me calling me a bitch..Of which she had every right too...She slapped Austin, still yelling and screaming..Before you know it, they are wrestlingg...He finally gets her outside. I go upstairs, My friend seth agrees that that's a good idea. I'm sitting on the couch upstairs on my phone..I'm listening to the yelling, and all of a sudden i hear someone running upstairs. It's her. She looks my way..yells "Bitch.!" and tries to jump me. I block every hit. Then she grabs my hair. Austin grabs her, he wrestles her to the ground...She drags me with her. She finally lets go of my hair...Austin drags her downstairs. Seth grabs me and pulls me into another room while holding me, trying to calm me down. At this point i'm pissed. After she leaves..Austin grabs me, and holds me. Tryin to calm me down, while i'm tryin' to calm him down. My phone begins to get blown up. People asking if i'm ok, what happened, etc.

To think...That was only the beginnning.

Austin and I begin to spend everyday together with one of my best friends. We connected so perfectly. One night, we were all hanging out together. Austin, Seth, Me, and Sara. My friend stopped by at Saras house...I stopped to talk to him. Austin got jealous. I ended telling my friend that he had to leave, because i needed to talk to austin. Austin told me that he got jealous. He told me that he cared about me so much. That he wanted to be with me. Everything a girl wanted to hear. We decided that at that point that night, that we were together.

Everything was perfect. I was still gettin' shit from his ex girlfriend. Phonecalls. Shit talked on facebook. But for some reason, it didn't matter because i was with him. There were a couple major events that happened between our time span of being together that made me fall for him...Care for him so immensly. Every night that i spent at his house....We would go outside and lay there...Look at the stars...And just talk..talk about how we could make ourselves better people. How we wanted to change. We would lay in his bed watching boomerang, and just laugh at the old shows, talking about which ones we loved most...our favorite characters...And i could just look at his face and smile. It felt so real....

But then realityyy started to reveal itself..

It happened the same week i was suppose to go to the beach with austin and his family. I ended up getting sick...There was two nights i was suppose to go to his house and stay. The first night i ended up not being able to find a ride...So i told him i would come the next day, That day i ended up getting really sick. I was texting him, and he told me that he was going to go to a party..Actually he asked my permission to go. I told him I didn't care. That he could do what he wants, he didn't need my permission. Throughout the night we were texting..slowly he stopped responding. I couldn't sleep...For some reason that nightt i was upset. At four in the morning i get a text from his ex...Well first i got phonecalls. I ignored them. She then texted me saying, "Boo, pick up the phone. Austin wants to talk to you." So i call back...And my first reaction is, why in the hell is he with her.? He talks soooooo much shit about her. How he wants nothing to do with her. How she ruined his life. How much he hates her. Come to find out, he was at the party with her. I asked him what he wanted...whether he still cared for her, whether he wanted to be with me...He was drunk...his only responses were i dont know. I told him that he needs to figure it out. That for now i'm not going to be with him. I don't like being made promises and told things, that no one had the intention of keeping in the first place, and i hung up on him. I stayed up all nightt...into the morning. I never slept. I was hurt. I was hearbroken. But i put up a front. I ended up leaving, and going to a friends that was in a different town. Just because knowing that i was near him hurt. His mother was frustrated and completely pissed off that we weren't together. She disliked his ex so much, because she had apparently messed up a lot of things for him. She told me to expect a call from him later. I ended up gettin' a text sayin, " Would you still like to go to the beach with me.?" I called him...I didn't know whether he was asking because he wanted me to go, or because his parents were forcing it...I was so hurt. I cried. I told him i would think about it. Later that nightt, I had his ex blowing up my phone with texts and calls. I tried to help her, reassure her. I told her nothing would come of me and him again. I promised her things. It killed me. He called me later that night, apologizing...Saying he messed up, that she meant nothing...That them sleeping together that night meant nothingg.That he wanted me to go to the beach with him. That he wanted to be my best friend again.

I ended up deciding to go to the beach....
Long story short about the beachhh...I ended up losing my virginity to him. It was like one big game. It's like we were together without the label. We did everything that labeled us as together. Kissing, Cuddling, Sleeping next to eachother, etc. When we headed back home...He acted different...

Come to find out...one night when we got back..i was suppose to go hang out and smoke with a group of friends...Steven, Sheldon, Seth, Kaley, Austin...As sheldon is at my house picking me up, he gets a call from Kaley (who is the ex) saying that Austin and Seth don't want me at the house...So i say fuck it, I'll go to a different partyy. The one i was orginally suppose to go to. So i smoke and go to the other party. Completely crushed, Completely upset. I find out in that week, That they were hanging out all day. that Someone who was suppose to be my best friend, went behind my back and was attempting to get them back together. All because he heard i was being a bitch, and awful to Austin. Of which i never have been, even when he deserved it most.

Even when it all seems that it should come to a close at that...it all continues into some game...There's recent things that have added that make me believe i'm done with him. I'm good friends with his ex, which he is actually now back with. I still go stay at his house, because i'm close with his sister, and his family invites me.

Why do i care anymore though.?
Why do i care that he is fucking up so much.?

I know that it's not because i still have feelings for him, no. I've moved on from that. I've gotten better. I found someone that makes me feel so incredibly amazing..

Maybe it's because he reminds me of my parents. He is on that path to destruction, wrecking any and every relationship he has. Only worrying about his next high. He's losing so much....And he doesn't care. Maybe it's cause he's hurting...From what I don't know.

But i do know, i hate seeing him like this...

And i don't know how to fix it.