I don't want to sound as an over dramatic teenager with unstoppable hormones. Please, I know most people thinks when a girl wrote a journal about her cutting problems, she's looking for attention. I don't want, your attention. I want to vent my feelings before I explode.
*sighs* My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. It was painful, not just because I still love him but the fact that he didn't gave me any reason why he ended our romance.
I asked him for a million times but he never gave me a single 'I broke up with you because you 're a shitty girlfriend' or something like, 'I like someone else' and that kills me inside.
Something just ended up wasted because of an unknown reason. I don't know what or who to blame; is it my fault, his fault or someone else's. Or simply he thinks we don't work out.
I don't have an idea why I am suffering, what's the reason for this pain.
Nothing..nothing at all.
Then I just gave up. I stopped asking him questions. I stopped talking to him like what he does to me. He started to act like I don't exists. Like I never existed.
So I did the same. We did that until the last day of school came. I was wanting to write him a letter wishing him a fun summer, but I thought 'Why would I do that? He doesn't even care about me anymore..(not that he said he doesn't care, but he left me to drown in all of my dreams that never came true) So why should I care about him?'
So I was fine. Though it didn't last long. This past few days, he's growing inside my head like an infectious disease with no cure.
I don't want the thoughts of him. Last weekend I was in the car with my parents and the memories of us together came flooding back.
Those moments in the bus, school, park. Those precious moments in his arms; those painful memories of holding his hands.
I tried locking those in the back of my head, and now they're escaping and tormenting me.
I do not want those memories again. The memories bring the pain. And I've had enough of pain.
I'm so fucking sick of it. It needs to stop. I tried focusing on other matter like entertainment and spending time with my mom; but it didn't stop.
It will skip for a moment then at night it comes back. My bed is almost a horrendous scene of pain and suffering. Every time I see the marks left by our unrequited love in my arms, I want to do it again.
Physical pain is better than emotional. If the pain of the blade slicing my skin would overcome the pain his memories brings, I would do it.
But no, I promised him before (he knows I used to cut) that whatever happens to me, to us, I won't hurt myself. I also made him promise to do the same, and I know he's keeping he's promise.
But I don't get why my promise to him is so hard to break; for Christ's sake, he broke my fucking heart. He broke me to pieces.
So what does the memories meant? Why are they coming back? To kill me? To force me to just kill myself? Why?
There's too many questions and there's no one to answer. Do I want him back in my life? I know the answer to that one. But the real question is how? He rejected me.
I need it to stop. The 'homecoming' of memories isn't healthy for me.
I want it to stop or I want him back?
[please read] this dying feeling inside.
June 28th, 2007 at 08:24am