It's summer. Filled with boys, no clothes, tanning, and sun kissed hair. It's also filled with thinking. I'm alone a lot out of the week, giving me time to think. Time to reflect. Doing nothing but drown in my depression.
People ask me how I can do so much at once without going insane. Truth is, if I didn't I would be insane. Thinking is bad for me.
Thinking about when I was younger and reckless. How did I get this way? Broken and the only way my life is staying connected is diving into my school work. Becoming a NA then a nurse and finally to my dream; radiology.
How did I go from being carefree and wild to a self conscious bookworm? I lost my best friends, my boyfriend, my life.
My best friend, we've been together since we were three. Never fought, always thought the same thing to the point that we finished each others sentences. But now we don't even smile as we pass through the hall.
How this happened? A boy. My friends boyfriend to be exact. He decided that he wanted to get a little to close to other girls, my best friend included. When my friend found out, my best friend and friend went at it. My friend calling my best friend a whore, when I knew for a fact that she was still a virgin. But I didn't say anything. It wasn't my battle to fight. I wish I would have stood up to her now. Stood up to them both, because I knew that boyfriend was no good. But now my best friend is now a fading memory and my friend is my best friend who is finding herself getting into deep shit. However that is another paragraph.
My boyfriend. I've written about him way to many times. We're not even together now and I still get weak at the knees when someone says his name or I see the number 55. I HATE HIM. All he wanted wanted was sex. I would of given it to him if he wasn't so demanding. Half the time I wish I gave it to him, then maybe he would still be here. With his arm wrapped around me, instead of some bimbo hoe. God I hate him so much. We were off and on for three years and only the first year we were really dating. The other two years were him and myself locked in his room, we didn't go anywhere, we didn't tell anyone where we were, and no one knew about us. It was like he was hiding me. And I always felt like it was my fault. I still feel like that. I think that maybe if I did something else, or if I tried to play hard to get or his I tried even more that I would have him. He was my first love, and now I always compare everyone to him. Of course everyone is better than him, but they aren't him. He says that he is going to be the president some day, but I won't vote for him,
God my life is crazy right now. I know that I could have it much worse, like I could be homeless or be abused by horrible parents or dead. Sometimes I wish I was dead. Not that I am suicidal or anything. But I always wonder if I did die right now, how would people react. Twelve people this year have died at my school, will people act like that with me? Mourn everyday at just the sight of a red shirt or that tree that is now in two, with pieces of car still scattered around. Probably.
I'm waiting for more people to die, because this year isn't over. And the parties ware becoming more frequent. The drugs are abused more and more. My best friend now, has developed epilepsy. The doctor says its probably from the excessive drinking and drugs. She says the doctor is full of shit. I sleep with my sound all the way up, listening for my phone to ring our favorite song and her moms voice comes in on the other line, telling me that she pushed her to far and to hard and she just cracked. Died in a basement of a random house, her body filled with pills. Died just like the other girls from our class.
You can't wait to grove up, all your life. You spend your time when your little, playing house and your pretend to be a mom or a dad, or 18 and living on your own. Then your alittle bit older and your spend all your time acting like you are some big shot. Trying to be just like your older siblings and to hurried to grow up that you don't enjoy your life as a kid.
I'll be 18 in five short months. I'll in college in a year. I'll be all on my own living in a whole new state in a house that I'm paying for myself. Now I miss being little and naive.
Growing up sucks, everything changes and not all of it is for the good.
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