Crazy me.. Someone please help..

People look at me, what do they see? They see this beautiful,smart,funny girl. That's not me at all, that's called acting. I'm actually crazy,you know? I cut myself, I pop pills, suicide is always on my mind and I can't help but act like a slut. I have zero respect for my body, already about 7 people touched it and abuse it without my permission. Who could love a girl who isn't pure? Whose crazy and looks at everything on the dark side. That's my life. It's been filled with so much hurt that I can barely breathe...something is wrong with me. Might be the way I portray myself. I've had multiple people say it was all my fault, now I finally believe it. I mean, who wouldn't? I don't have anyone anymore, I pushed them away because I was scared and just plain scared. When I push someone away, it's a cry for help. I've been begging for help but I do it by pushing away. And I've pushed everyone out of my life. I've hurt the ones I love. I dont know what's right or wrong, I don't know anything. Throughout the years I've ran from guy to guy and either I fucked it up or they did. Either way I got hurt in the end. No one prepared me for this. No one said life would be this hard.Truth is, I want to get raped because I think I deserve the pain.  For once I don't want to be a slut, I want to be that girl a guy wants. But like I said, no one could love a crazy girl. I can't even love myself.  I respect nothing of my body. Since guys have already had their way with it, what's a few more? It's only hurting myself. Honestly, I'd rather the ones I love happy than me happy. I don't deserve it. I hope one day someone will change my perspective and change how I feel about the world. But for now, I'll always be the crazy girl in a beautiful little lie called life.