I'm scared that I'm going to kill myself one day

I really do feel this way. I feel insane, stuck inside of someone who is not me. I honestly, do not think that I will want to commit but whenever I realize how messed up I have always been, I feel that one day my past actions will get the best of me and I will off myself.

I don't know if I need to be checked into somewhere, or not. Sometimes I feel like I need a pill but the problem with that is I don't like to take medicine with chemicals and stuff in it. I prefer to stay natural.

I can have a good day and I can still be thinking about jumping off a bridges and jumping in front of trains and buses. I do not want to die though and I fear that if I happen to not die from suicide, it will be because I got hit.

These thoughts led me to self-harm, which hopefully I do not do tonight. I have been falling back into that pattern lately and I do not want to go back to my old ways. Ugh.