My Silent Cry

Have you ever felt that you were a stranger in your own body? Left inside a world that you didn’t want to see? Perhaps you felt bound or moulded to the earth under the watchful eyes of the people who cared for you. That’s what I feel almost every single day; and my parents don’t even know what they’re watching.

What they’re watching is a girl who forces a smile to make everyone else thinks she is okay. She wants to leave this world, but nobody quite understands.

I know it’s wrong for me to want to kill myself. You see these people wanting to live their life, but they can’t because they have something that will eventually kill them. I am emotionally numb; I don’t feel any type of emotion anymore. So many years have I been hurt and bullied and the only thing that seems to get me through the day is cutting myself; I go into the bathroom and press the blade to my arm and slice.

Nobody can understand me, but that’s okay. Because I don’t want them to; I want them to look at me and think I am weird, because it’s better that way. I don’t want them to know what I do behind closed doors. And do you know what is worse? Telling yourself you won’t cut yourself. But when something bad happens and you keep having these urges that make you want to leap to the knife for comfort... You start to hate yourself because you promised. You told yourself you wouldn’t touch that and you were not going to cut yourself again. Because you’re stronger than that, right?

For me, no; I am not stronger than that. I am the girl that is fragile but seems so strong on the outside. I smile for them to think I am okay. I smile because I want them to believe a lie. I’m not alright, I am dying inside. I want them to know that I am screaming for help. But I guess it’s just silent. It’s just know coming up. It’s in my eyes. I am to afraid to speak out because I know I will be judged.

How do I go up to my mother and say “I cut myself” without her giving me a look of disappointment and hatred coming out of her mouth? Maybe she’ll regret ever bringing me into this world. What if she hates me for being depressed? Than what do I do?

Sometimes, life isn’t worth it. I just want to escape it while I can. But I can’t. Not with my family and the oncoming arrival of my nephew. I want to make a good role model. I want to help and teach him. I want him to live like I can’t. I just want him to enjoy life. I don’t want him to have to look at pictures just to see what his aunt used to look like before she died. I want him to be able to see me, be able to hug me, be able to wrap his hand around my finger.
I don’t want him to think of me as the woman who killed herself, because one day in the near future he will think that.