This is extremely personal. (EXISTENTIAL ANGST MUCH!)

I was just thinking about this one... person. I won't name him because he's a big influence in a lot of the stories I write, and therefore I don't really want to give him too much of a real person.
I guess I don't want you to see him instead of Liliana when you read Serial Killers or anything, you know? Keeping him a secret makes the stories more true to what they are meant to be; stories portraying a certain mentality and spectrum of ideas.
I just wanted to get a few thoughts about him out there is all.
I guess it's seemingly obvious that I was, if not flatly 'in love' with him, pretty blindly infatuated with this one person. Well. We were friends, a while back, and I told him how I felt, and he pretty much started avoiding me and stopped talking completely...
Try as I might, he'd never talk (unless, I don't know, I left an anonymous question on Tumblr. He answered those.)
So anyway. We have this one friend in common, and he's a really, really good friend to both of us. (But I think a better friend to him than to me.)
I just realized that the friend (I don't need to keep his identity secret or anything, I just don't want to give out names right now.) didn't know all that happened between me and this first guy...
So does that mean he didn't tell anyone about it?
I hope that's the case, because if it is, I think a little more highly about him again...
He might not have the decency to realize that we could still be /just/ friends and whatnot but... At least he doesn't gossip about me or talk bad about me, right?
Then again it could just be that he only does it to his friends that are not also my friends...
(Or the ones that he knows wouldn't tell me.)
I'm not really sure. I think these things through way too much. Especially because this whole topic is majorly outdated...

I'm just kind of a lonely person, and haven't found anyone new to focus on, I guess. I'm tired of relationships because I only watch them.

I guess it's good that I understand myself, at least.

I'm not whining, or complaining, or being some loser with no self confidence when I say this, but I realize I am undesirable as far as attraction goes. I also know why; I'm pretty sure that the majority of people who are not bi or pansexual (aka, the majority of everyone I come across) don't find androgyny attractive. I'm not stereotyping or generalizing, merely stating my theory.

It causes me to question a lot of things about myself, and what I really want in terms of who I really am.

The troubling thing is that I can't find answers.

I have a therapist. Maybe I should start telling him this stuff.

Sorry for the rant.