Greetings, folks!
As you can clearly see from the title of this entry, this long, endless, worthless, meaningless, hairless, shirtless, shoeless, and homeless rant will be about Pineapples.
I will continue to capitalize the first letter in his holiness's definition, as Pineapples deserve all the terror and fear that once belonged to Hitler and Pete Burns.
See, Pineapples are marvelous things. They wear the most trendy, most sexy, and most breathtaking hair ever worn. They have the hottest, most attracting hexagonical skin pattern that makes touching them a holy practice. Their undergarments are of the softest yellow---
Ok.
Lets not get into details.
Where was I?
Ahh, I remember.
So anyways, they are so holy and saint-like, that I immediately, at first sight, fell in love with them. It was an insane affinity, I tell you. It was human impulse that tugged at my heartstrings with a merciless grip..
I suffered this passion for a tediously long period of time, where my eyes would just melt at the sight of a Pineapple's skeletal body and my skin would shiver with goosebumps at it's mention.
It had captured my heart entirely, and life felt so beautiful. Life had a new taste, a taste of romantic love that lacked the disgusting consequences concerning penises and vaginas and the rent..
It was an innocent love, a love of roses and telepathic engagement rings. A Pineapple does not consider your general love for its race an act of infidelity. Unlike your husband, who will hang you by your toes if you love the male-sex equally and are ready to sleep with any one of them, a Pineapple considers your vast love a great honor.
For a while, Pineapples were all I could talk about. My love had blinded me to any other topic, and nothing seemed worthwhile but that sacred fruit. I had to enlighten the souls of this world. Their lives appeared so empty in my eyes, without the holy love of Pineapples to fill their world with a soft pink light.
Everytime I met a new person, I'd ask them "Do you like Pineapples?"
It was an innocent question, lacking the prying tone or the sarcastic sneer. It was a question that questioned their very hearts, the fibers of their very being. The question itself, striked me as beautiful.
But soon, the beautiful world began to change, as it always does in the eyes of the beholder..
I soon fell ill to Typhoid Fever, an evil illness that soon led to my world domination. I soon fell ill to a new sickness, one not of the body, but of the soul and mind. To greed and power, to blood and money.
I was led astray by human desire from the path of the Pineapple Love, therefore, no longer enjoyed the many great boons of said love.
The Pineapples abandonned me. I could no longer feel that electric shock of love when my eyes locked with their beautiful forms. I was no longer turned on by their spiky hair and crazy-colored interiors. On the contrary, a mere glimpse of them shook me with terror.
My breath died in my lungs, even before it emerged. My heart wheezed with a pressured pain at every time we met. The world's treasures had dragged me away from what I used to have. The ultimate treasures of the soul.
Now, everytime I look at a Pineapple I feel as if the terrifying creature is grinning victoriously at me, planning a revolution and plotting my undoing. I can feel the aura of danger and demise hover atop said fruit, daring me to take a step closer to its glory.
I needed an escape. The Pineapple eyes were gaining on me. I could no longer take a solid step or sleep a restless sleep.
The Pineapples were planning to shake me off my throne which lay at the very top of the world.
What action could I possibly take?
I shall lie on my white bed tonight, like every other night, cold and afraid, lost and confused, full of fear from these newly made enemies, which had at once been such gentle friends.
What on earth shall I do? I need a Hero, who's shoe size is strictly ten.
Else I watch in silence as my world divides at the hands of such handsome, powerful, behemoth, and sexy warriors.
Oh, whatever shall I do?
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