I don't really know how to start things off, introductions always seem a bit awkward to me. I don't know who is going to witness them and I don't know who is going to judge me on them.
I could talk about the masses of problems around the world and even in my town, the kind that make my own problems so insignificant that you could compare them to bacterium, one wipe and they're gone. I kind of like talking about my issues, when I don't have to actually talk about them- if this is making sense so far...
It's a little after 3AM in England, that makes it less than 10 hours before a really good friend of mine gets on a plane to Australia. I'm kind of scared, I've never had one of my friends leave me through no fault of my own, they've all left because I was an awful friend or we simply grew apart, nobody has ever been uprooted from my life so suddenly. I mean, I can't see her before she goes, it's not a few hours drive away, it's a couple hundred quid and 2 or 3 planes away. I've known her since she moved to my primary school in year 3, she's helped me through so much, the longest we've been apart is 3 weeks, where our holidays overlapped one year. It's going to be horrible, I can tell. She said I could visit though, if I pay for flights I can stay with her family- as long as I send her English chocolate. Foreign chocolate is naff.
My brother's leaving again soon too. He's in the army, he spends most of his year away from home. He comes home some weekends when he's in Catterick, but it's a 3-4 hour drive and he's supposed to stay within an hour of camp, he risks his job to see us sometimes. It's nice to know he loves us so much really. I remember once he was in Cyprus for two years, he didn't visit once- I thought he had left for good. He was in Afghanistan last summer as well, I got woken up by the phone at something silly like 5 in the morning, it was a man with a title I don't care to remember. He told us that my brother had been in an accident and I fainted, I didn't even hear the rest. Obviously when I did hear the rest I was ecstatic, he had been dealing with some knives and severed tendons in 4 of his fingers, he was flown home and had an 8 hour operation at Selley Oak two days later; all he was worried about was not being in Afghanistan with the rest of them. My brother is my own personal superhero.
He leaves for Canada in a week or two, he's doing an 8 week training course. He misses Katie's 18th and his 28th, should be home in time for the trip to Scotland for nanna and grandad's Ruby wedding surprise party.
I'll write about myself now, I suppose. I know I've said so many times that I was over my weight issues, but recently I've been falling back into the state of mind where everything is too much, the "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" sort of thing. Sorry to go all Kate Moss on you, but it's what my mind is like. It's sort of fucked up. My friends have done so much to help me get over this in the past, they even lied to my family for me. I feel like I'm throwing it all back in their faces- but it's impossible for me to stop. My reccomended calorie intake has been set at 1595, but I'm lucky if I get to the 500 mark most days. My parents made me go out for a meal with them a few days ago and I promised myself I would never do again, but I did; I don't want to say it because that will make it real, I like living in my head. My parents think I am ill, commenting on how pasty my skin looks, or how baggy a certain t-shirt is becoming. I should tell them, but they won't get it, they'll force me to eat three times the reccomended amount and it will just turn into the other problem again, that was worse. I guess I just don't know what to do, I don't really have the energy to do much anymore.
I think I'm going to read some more and listen to Meshuggah, goodnight.
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