I Hate Them, But Not Really

What does she have that I don’t? It is because I have something that defines me as imperfect? I don’t believe in perfection, but is it because she’s prettier than me? Is skinner than me? Is smarter than me? What do they have that I don’t? I don’t understand what is so wrong here? Is there something wrong with me? Am I missing something here? It is too much to ask for a straight answer once in a while? Or it is because the answers are impossible to form a complete truth? Whatever the case may be, I’m finding myself losing hope of ever finding love. I’m jealous of her. I have always been jealous of her. I have always been jealous of many girls. Girls who I call my friends, my sister, my cousin, my best friend. I’m always jealous of them because in my eyes, they are perfect and they always capture all the boys’ eyes. So why can’t I? Patience is my weakness, but all I ever do is wait for a guy to look my way. It’s not like running out of patience would do anything good because I’m not gaining anything if I get more impatient. I’m trying here. Whether I’m trying too hard, or I’m just winging it. I’m trying regardless. But at the same time, I find it hard to be myself. How can I be myself when I’m afraid to be me? How can I impress a guy when I don’t believe in first impression? How can I be myself when I’m constantly worrying about what they are looking for in a girl? I’m paranoid, I’m aware. But I need a guy who can see past my paranoia to help me see that there is a bright side. It really isn’t asking much and normally I don’t show them my paranoia side. I keep quiet. I lay low. I don’t want to change who I am. I shouldn’t have to. But I feel as though I should because being me, isn’t working anymore. I tried to be extra nice, nothing. I tried being super mature, nothing. I tried to talk sense, more or less, nothing. Nothing I ever do is enough for anyone. In the end, all I ever wonder is, will I ever be enough… at all?