I don't know what to do anymore, Mibba.
I've always had a strong belief that I suffer from anxiety disorder, and I know I have had panic attacks. I've also always been shy, and distrusting of people.
but ever since my experience with my ex boyfriend, who I was with for half a year, I feel all these problems have gotten progressively worse. he emotionally/verbally and sexually abused me. I barely remember any good times with him. but what I do remember is being called a c*nt, b*tch, sl*t, amongst other things; being yelled at in front of other people (which was highly embarrassing and would often almost cause me to break down or panic)...I was also criticized every time I "hugged a guy wrong." can you believe that? my friend came back to school from suspension and I jumped on him, all happy that he was back, and I turned to my boyfriend at the time and got the nastiest look ever. I got yelled at for hugging a friend. I also got yelled at for looking at a guy wrong.
my ex would also take my phone when I wasn't looking and search through it. this is how he had found out in the first place that I, indeed, had been cheating on him. I'm not perfect, and no one is, but did I really deserve to be tormented for that? who could blame me for wanting to escape the reality I was living in? leaving someone who's abusive towards you is harder than it seems, especially if you had tried to ignore them before, and they would continually grab your wrist and try to talk to you and yell at you across hallways. "that's right, ignore me, you bitch!"
I often got sympathetic looks when he would act out like this. I hated it all. I was crying in school almost every day after a while. he then took my virginity and broke up with me, but continued to act out for a while, especially when I had developed an interest in a new guy, because according to my ex we had only broken up so he could have time. so we could fix things.
wanting to "fix our relationship" conveniently after finally having sex with me? sounds very interesting.
finally, he ignored me. completely. he blocked me on Facebook. I have no way to get through to him, and frankly, I truly don't want to. he made my life a living hell. I'm mentally scarred. I also found out, after all of this, that while we were taking a "break," he was with another girl.
he also made sure to tell me that this girl was everything I am not. all I did was try to be nice to him, try to work things out, and he'd spit it back at me. yell at me. criticize me. remind me that I am a heartless, worthless, lying, cheating b*tch who isn't worth anything.
he was the most manipulative person I've ever known. now, I feel as if anyone and everyone is a lying, whore-loving cheater. I can't help these thoughts. my judgment is blurred.
now, I have had a new interest since me and this ex had been over. since around March, I've really liked this guy, David. he hasn't treated me anything but just like a princess. he's made me cry tears of joy multiple times, because I just get so happy that I have him in my life and no longer have to deal with the pain anymore that I used to have to experience every single day.
the problem is, as I said, I feel mentally scared. I'm so ridiculously more paranoid than I was before, that every girl that talks to David feels like a threat to me. I literally break down if it even slightly sounds like a girl likes him, because I immediately jump to conclusions that she wants to be with him. and considering the girl is usually prettier than me, I continuously jump to conclusions that he could possibly ditch me for her instead because she would be everything I'm not.
there is no reason I should think this. like I said, David has never given me a reason to think badly of him. all he's given me is reasons why he is incredibly perfect for me. I feel like maybe, once we get to see each other more which will hopefully be soon, maybe, just maybe I'll feel better.
but I doubt it.
how am I supposed to live like this? how am I supposed to live, assuming such a sweet person is suddenly out to get me? to hurt me? to leave me for someone who's perfect, unlike me.
I've never been one to talk a lot. always been one to keep a couple close friends, avoid drama, been nice to others and have helped others when they needed it but I've never been one to want a lot of friends or get involved with others. always had this social anxiety problem. panic attacks that started in eighth grade. but now, now I may have mild paranoia? possibly?
all my problems have been enhanced and I feel like I'm completely trapped in them. I don't know what to tell myself. I believe I need to see a psychologist.
I can't keep driving myself insane. I can't keep feeling threatened by everyone else in the world...I have to live on the same planet as them.
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