God this hurts....

I am not always the person I seem to be. I love talking with my friends and will do just about anything for them. However, I haven't been the best friend that I could be, as of late. I'll get texts from certain people that I may pretend to have interest in talking to, but sooner or later I'll just ignore them until they stop trying to talk to me. I know I'm not the best person that I can be. I love, I hate, and I don't know which I do more of. I want my thoughts to be rational and for my fears to not get the best of me, but that's a rare occurrence. I make dark and morbid jokes, and I don't even remember why I have that sense of humor. I have attempted suicide more than once, lying to myself about why I was doing it, but thankfully it never worked. I may feel like that often now, but I know I'll never really try it again. I guess I just have this perfect image of how the world should be and I get discouraged and/or depressed whenever it deviates from that image. There are some times that I wish I could just telepathically tell everyone what I think of them, what I expect from them and how I want things to be, but I know that won't happen. I guess I'll just have to live with the world being the way it is.