Why does it have to be this hard?

I love him still, even though it's been almost a year. The bells, the whistles, fireworks, and lighs, the butterflies, and tears from goodbye. It's all still there. It's all still the same. I can't help it, though I wish it wasn't true. I love him, and it's all I can do.

BUT....

I have a boyfriend. Who is not that guy. I love him,I think. No, I do. He's amazing. Truly. He treats me better than anyone ever has. He's kind and sweet, and would do anything for me.

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
-Taylor Swift

All I did with him was fight and make up, our love was so strong. We were so close, in heart. We fell apart, neither wanted to look and see our own mistakes. I pushed him too far. Now, I have a "new" man. It kills me to feel this way, I know it would hurt him if he knew I felt this way. There's no way I can tell him. But nothing I do will clear Him from my mind....

and it kills me that I hurt you this way, the worst part is I didn't even know...