Dear Boy...Teach Me How To Let Go

You don't love me. You can't. I hurt you too much for you to ever love me again. I understand that. Honest I do. But is it so hard to give me the answer I think I know all ready? You don't hug me; don't hold me. You won't look at me and you never want to speak anymore. Yet you'll demand for sex? I'm sorry but I believe that is something special. Something to be shared between two people who love and trust each other. I can't do that anymore. It's not because I don't love you anymore, Which I know you're saying just to make me feel bad, but because I can't find the reason why you'd want such a thing when it is apparent that your feelings for me have changed.

I'm not the stupid girl I use to be. I don't hang around the druggies and shoot some up when I'm stressed. I don't go to every rave I can just so I can find a way to escape my problems. I don't bring the cancer stick to my lips every time I wanted to cry or let it burn my skin to watch the color of the skin beneath it change. I don't cut like I use to in order to feel anymore. You made me change all of that. All of it. Not because you demanded it but because you showed me how it hurt you...And you were the only one I've ever stopped for.

Unfortunately, I relapse. Like a druggie without her fix, I can relapse and go crazy. I don't mean to. Honest I don't. But when it comes down to it: there are times when I'm so messed up that I black out and do the first thing that comes to mind. I'm not trying to hurt you. I never did. I would never hurt you intentionally and you should know this. If you don't, then I don't know how you could have ever fallen in love with me to begin with. I fell in love with you and I still do love you. even after the incident that made me lose your trust. I still love you after you blatantly told me I was useless and that I had no purpose. That I wasn't the best out there and that I was only good for making everyone's life miserable. I still love you. I would trade the world for you even now that you just want to use my body rather than love me for who I am.

I use to be your girlfriend.
And now?
I'm your stress reliever.

Oh you'd never lay a hand on me to mark me. You'd never physically assault me, no. You're too kind. Too worried about your reputation. Even if I do deserve it. You'd never. But I feel like I need to smack you across the face in order to make you understand that even though I love you, dream of marrying you and such that I can't wait around for much longer. We're starting college. I'm in my third week of college, you've yet to start, and we've no relationship. Whats this going to be like when you move about and hour or two away for college? How am I suppose to see you?

And what's this bull about a threesome before your summer ends?

I'm willing to give you anything. even at the cost of my comfort. I am. And I'd seriously do it in a heart beat...but is this what it's going to be like for the rest of our lives? Can you not forgive me? I cannot earn your trust back without you believing that there's still something left for us beyond me being your sex toy and stress reliever. I don't want this to be the only use I have to you. I want to be your partner. I want to be your equal. I want to love you freely and shower you with hugs and kisses when I see you; not feel awkward and afraid because I feel like if I speak you'll get mad again. I want the old you back. The old Chris back. My Chris. I want him back so bad because he's who I fell in love with and I know he's somewhere in there...but please...if he's not going to come back then please..stop using me.

Teach me how to let you go.

I can't do it. I've picked up the phone and hit dial and suddenly hung up after the first ring because the words make me feel like I want to vomit. As if thinking them were a taboo stronger than anything else in the world. My stomach becomes upset and my chest literally aches when I try. My eyes tear and I just lose it. I can't let you go. No matter what I try or say or do...I just cannot seem to let you go. I can't.

So please teach me?
Please...
Before it's too late and i revert back to who I was.