As of late...

I'm going to start right now by apologising for any spelling errors or typos. I'm typing this out on my phone so I don't have too well of a spell checker. 

Another thing, I'm writing this for me and posting it for me. If you don't like what I'm about to write (which just so happens to be how I'm feeling right now) bugger off. I'm not dealing with your negativity. You would just be ignored anyway. 

Now, on to the point of this post. 

I don't know what's going on with me anymore. These last couple days I haven't felt myself. I used to be all happy and hyper. Preston used to get irate over my behaviour but now he's concerned that I'm not annoying or embarrassing him. I don't know why but I've been depressed as of late. This hasn't ever happened for no reason before. I know I miss home (and by home I don't mean the house I live in with Mum and Eli), and I know I miss Dad. I don't think that's it though. 

I feel so worthless; like no matter what I do I'll do it wrong- like a waste of space. I feel like no-one wants me around. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel disgusting and can't understand why anyone wants to be around me. I feel like I'm hideous- grotesque to the look. I feel like I'm fat and ugly. I feel.... I feel a lot about myself and none are positive. 

I'm scared. I'm scared because one minute I'll feel okay and then this. One minute I could be slightly happy and then this. Everything and anything is a trigger to making me feel this way. I know Preston tip-toes around me. He hopes I don't notice but I do. He's afraid of setting me off. I know he's afraid of losing me. 

I'm quite fright I'll do something extreme. 

I know Preston is frightened I'll do something to myself and so am I. What if I do because of all these rancid feelings? I wish they'd bugger off. I don't want them. They aren't welcome. 

I'm most frightened by the thought of my relationship with Dylan getting messed up- ruined. I don't want to lose him. But my mind keeps telling me I will; it says I was never enough for him anyhow. What if it's right? 

I just- I wanna go back to 'normal.'