If You Really Knew Me...

Hi, my name is Carrie, and If you really knew me you would know...

I grew up as the youngest of seven children in a mixed family, though now, I have a seven month old sister. I was always over weight and got picked on all through grade school, I was always one of the boys and never really had any friends of the same sex. I played baseball with my brothers and their friends. At age eleven my brothers' father was being released from jail, it was then that I was told that the father I knew as my own was not really mine. When I was born my real father didn't want me, he said I wasn't his. You would know that a wonderful man who I call dad stepped up to be my father. After I knew that information, my father, which is commonly called 'my sperm loaner' wanted me in his life. I was scared and unsure, not knowing if my real family would love me as me. Going to meet them for the first time as my family was nerve racking to say the least. Sure, I had met them before, but only as my brothers' family not as my own. They loved me; of course they knew I was theirs. Well, I shouldn't say 'they' it may seem like everyone loves me, that is not the case. My aunt acts like I don't belong, like I'm just a visitor, it secretly broke my heart. It was around this age that I was told I could no longer play baseball with the boys; I could get hurt after all. I discovered softball. At age 12 I started junior high. It was like nothing I have ever done before, thank God I had my brother Raymond to help me though it. I had friends that weren't just guys and I had guys that weren't just friends. There was this one guy as there usually is in a story like my own. His name was Mike; I had never spoken to him. Ever. He was just a pretty face I saw at a soccer game. I sadly, fell in love with that pretty face. My life revolved around his games and where I would mostly likely see him. Freshman year started and it was Raymond's senior year. It was about this time that I found bumps on my legs, I didn't know what they were, but they hurt. Being the catcher for my three softball teams, they got hit a lot. I went to many doctors for this, none knew what to do. My father (the one who claimed me) had developed a drinking problem and began to get violent, around age 13 (eighth-grade). I had slowly begun to hate him for it. I got fed up one day when he was on one of his rants; he hit me I hit him back and screamed in his face. He hasn't drunk in three years. I was starting my sophomore year without my big brother, not to mention some of my friends had moved away, one had committed suicide, and the bumps on my legs were getting worse. We finally found a doctor that would help, I went through many test and finally heard the words I hated, "I'm sorry but your daughter has stage two leukemia." I lived that whole week in fear for my first chemo treatment. I went to the hospital prepared to feel as if I died. Then the words I dreamed of hearing, "I'm so sorry we had a mix up, your daughter does not have cancer." I've never cried so many happy tears in my life. The one who never got that wonderful news, Mikey, died that year. 16, my junior year was going pretty well and there it stayed, until a bad day in March, and a worse day the next October. A long time family friend was killed in a car accident in March; while in October Chad felt like family, and then he was gone. It was like a shot to the heart. Senior summer, which brings me almost to today. Last Monday (7/25/11) I was in an accident myself. With my parents, I almost died. We were going down a hill lest than a quarter mile from my house, when my father lost his breaks. He tried everything, finally he flung us into a ditch at the end of the hill. The car began to roll, then flung us over the road, into bushes, down a ravine into a tree, head first. I wasn't wearing my seat belt. My Chest hit the head rest in front of me, I curled into a ball, I was flung around the car, hitting my mother and father's seat. When the car landed I landed on the center console breaking my back instantly. The EM Ts thought I was DOA. My dad pulled me from the car, as my mother crawled not far behind. I was in the hospital for six hours. My mother has a compression fracture and intense bruising, my father is untouched, physically; mentally he is the worst. I wear a back brace and it is still unsure if I will have to have a sugary, I don't think I will, but you never know. I cannot play sports for at least a year, i cannot ride amusement park rides for at least a year. I cannot do anything that may make my back worse. If i move just right, I could never walk again. I've never been so scared in my life, yet I;ve never been so grateful either. My friends and family have been with me every day and night. If you really knew me, you would know that I shouldn't be alive writing this at this moment. The man that wasn't my 'real' father saved my life that night...

I'm taking this time to thank everyone:
Cari-Leigh
Alyssa
Etta
Becca
Alisha
Raymond
Nurse Donna
Nurse Harry
Shelly
Chis & Ashlee
Megan
Chris & Chuck
Brandy
Rodney
Shell
Mom
Anyone else I forgot.
--Sorry if there are errors, it was really hard writing this.