Remembering.

Dear Journal,
I can't help but think about him every second of ever day. I remeber his smile and still my heart flutters. I imagine his bright eyes that always lit up when we talked about hockey. I remember his voice and the words that he used to say. Words seemed to roll off his tongue so perfect and easily. I remember him laughing at me for being klutsy. I remember him helping me up when I fell. I remember him telling me scary stories and then appoligizing profusely when it scared me half to death. I remember the way he talked of his family and school. I remember his anger and his saddness and feeling so broken when he wasn't happy. I remember him going through a lot of stuff and me feeling like I was a horrible girlfriend. I remember feeling awful the frist time we faught. It made me so sick to my stomache I thought I was going to throw up. I felt terrible for saying nasty things and my heart still aches like it did that day when I think about it. I remember telling him, happy one year, and he said back, "one year is nothing baby, when it's fifty years we can celebrate." I remember him being corny and saying the cheesiest things like, "life without you is a broken pencil; pointless." I remember the first time he said he loved me and it felt so right. I remeber the day he died. It was like a knife stabbing me over and over again. It was like a neverending nightmare. It was so surreal. I remember crying on the floor screaming no as my sister hugged me. I remember telling his brother that he was a liar and that he wasn't really dead. I remember lying in bed that night thinking about him and crying until I was too exahusted to sob anymore. I remember the first and second and third month. I remeber wishing on a star that'd he'd come back. Now I feel dead inside and I know I'll never forget him, ever.
-Nicole.