Contemplating Thoughts.

So I never really speak about things like this, not out loud, not to total strangers, nor to people I've known my whole life.. but I'm scaring myself lately and I really have no where else to turn to.

I have never really been what you'd call 'Happy' or 'Optimistic'. I can be down right depressing and usually all it takes is even so much as having a conversation with someone to push it to the back of my mind, act like it's all okay. but honestly, it has never felt like acting until it became unmanageable. I can't smile anymore. It hurts too much to even try and act like the sky isn't falling down and it has had some not so pleasant affects.

I hate talking about feelings, I hate talking about myself. I always feel like a whiny spoiled brat when i complain about my life because i am not this selfish, I know that there are millions of people out there that have it worse then me, but it just isn't enough anymore to control this... what i like to call monster inside of me. I am completely aware how melodramatic I am. But in the last month or so, I have had such a change in behavior and emotion that I think about killing myself more times then I can count a day. It's just like the simple answer to everything.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to kill myself. It has never been like that. I'm not depressed enough to actually do something. or maybe I'm just too scared to do something like that. I'm not too sure anymore. I've written tons of stories about it, just to get my own point to sink in, to make myself feel like I'm not totally insane. I don't want to end my life so much as to just pause it... if that makes any sense.

I just have no one to talk about this with.. my family, though they are great, have never been like the good ol' parents you see on TV, they are nothing like the Matthews or the Leery's. We are kind of emotionally retarded, and I can't blame them for all my flaws, but they really do need to own up for a chunk of them. It's like I am so ashamed of the way I feel I can't even look my mother in the eye. Yeah, she is a total bitch, and always brings me down, but the only thing that i have ever done right by her was to just be unreadable, unaffected, unemotional. That, and be an obedient lap dog that I have been proud of.

I just don't know anymore, and I didn't know where else to go, but I knew if I didn't try to get this out some way I'd explode.