I can't keep feeling like this

Everyday I feel like life is too much, that I can't get through it, and I don't want to. I can't sleep, and when I do, all I have are nightmares. I want to stop feeling. I want to be numb. And I want people to know that I'm suffering, but I'm so afraid to let them know. I don't think they'd love me if they knew the real me, not that I know myself either.

I don't let myself cry. And when I finally do break down and can't stop myself, I feel so ashamed that I want to physically hurt myself. I hate myself and everything I can't do. I feel stupid and ugly and undeserving of life. I feel like a failure, and I am. I can't handle life, I can't handle responsibility, I can't handle anything. I have panic attacks constantly at the mere thought of going back to school. I have no one to comfort me, no one that's physically there. My best friend lives 7 hours away, and all of my other friends are either too busy to notice me, or live far away. Not that I blame the ones that don't pay attention to me, I honestly don't deserve it.

I don't know who I am or what I want, all I know is that I'm not good enough and I hate myself. I wish I could just slit my wrists and the pain would go away. I want to be numb and not care about anyone or anything. I'm tired of constantly being ignored and mistreated, judged and looked down on. I want to scream and cry and shout and break things, including myself. I hate that I'll never be able to say this to the people that need to hear it, the ones that might actually have a chance at saving me. Mostly because I'm afraid they won't. I really do believe the world and everyone in it would be better off without me. I don't do anything for the world, and no one truly needs me, not like I need them. I hate feeling like this and I hate that I'm always second. I hate being ignored. I hate this life. I'm so selfish and I don't deserve it. I want it to all go to someone who does deserve it.

I feel like I can't breathe. My head is killing me, and I can barely stop myself from crying. I hate that I'm weak. I hate everything about myself. I don't want someone to tell me I'm wrong, or make me feel better. I'm only writing this because I can't keep it inside me much longer, and I feel like I'm going to do something I'll regret soon. I don't even dare let someone who knows me read this. They wouldn't understand. It would just scare them, and they wouldn't know what to do.

I want to die. I want to hurt. I want to be numb. I want this to end.