I've never been so alone. I've never been so angry and so sad at the same time. I've never wanted to punch someone so much. For weeks upon weeks, I've been ignored and ditched by my best friend... I know, I know. Some of you are thinking, "Boo hoo, shut the fuck up." But you don't understand, I have no one. No one to talk to. No one to lean on. We addressed this situation before- realizing that we're drifting apart. I tried, reader. I really did. For our whole friendship (now I realize) I was pushed around, stepped on and berated. All the while I was a performance monkey, trying to entertain and please. It's so stupid how I had let someone be so mean to me and dare call them a best friend. Something that always pissed me off was how the things that were funny between me and her suddenly became stupid and annoying around other people. One night, we sat down and watched a movie that I really loved but she hadn't yet seen. She told me how "weird but entertaining" it was, and the very next day when I was telling our other friends about it, she went off on how "stupid" and "boring" the film was and how I could ever be so interested in such garbage-she implied it of course. She was putting on an act. You see, with her, she rather be cool than to ever actually be seen as one with emotions. I don't know how many times she's embarassed me infront of other people by bringing up my "list of ugly boyfriends" or the fact that my family life sucks. Sure, maybe I was the one to blame for acting like it was funny and wasn't such a big deal. I am sarcastic, too. I remember one time she made me cry. We went back and forth joking around when she brought up a serious topic- my mother. I don't exactly remember what it was, but I sure did feel the pain. I bawled for hours.
I remember always bending backwards for her. When we were going to go out, she always acted like she had something better to do and played this sick little game of keeping me guessing, "I don't know if I wanna go with you." She's never approved of my boyfriends and hates my current one. When we planned a double date and her guy failed to show up she refused to go with us, of course she didn't tell me so I spent an hour calling and texting her to see what was up. Finally, she decided to tell me that she wasn't going and by then my dad was already fustrated with me keeping him waiting to see if he could drop me off or not. This may all sound stupid to you or whiny, but that isn't nearly the whole story. Not even a bit.
And now I'm forced to suck up. I feel obsessed when I try calling. When I try to "fix" our friendship. I feel stupid for believing her when she promised to help fix it too. I feel stupid when I pretend not to be bothered when she invites everyone else up except me. I feel stupid for thinking that if I can just talk to her, she'd get where I'm coming from- I was ignored for the most part...
So, reader, do you think I'm stupid for even trying to win her friendship back? DO you think I'm pathetic for trying to "buy" her love? Do you think I'm a whiny loser with no friends?
Yeah, I think so, too.
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