Feeling... something.

Dear Journal,
Have you ever loved somebody so much that you would give ANYTHING to keep them safe? I have. Have you ever felt so broken that all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs? I have. Have you ever felt like you where dying from the inside out? I have. Have you ever missed someone so much that ALL you do is think about them. Yeah, you guessed it, I have.
It's like I keep trying to swallow the pain and I keep trying to get better but it just seems to make things worse. I try to remember to breathe in and relax. I try to think about it and smile but the pain outweighs the happiness.
There's not much to say really. It's quite simple: I miss him. It's hard to move on when everything you ever knew vanishes and you have to start from scratch. You have to live on knowing that you will never see your best friend again. You have to move on you can't move at all.
Maybe I should talk about it? I have tried, believe me, I try to tell my mom this stuff. I can't though; it hurts so much. Whenever I start to speak all the words go racing out of my mind and I start to hyperventilate. Tears don't stop and I can't even think. So normally I go on, not thinking about it.
It's times like this when I'm all alone in my bedroom at night re-reading emails from him, that I lose all sanity. I'm not going for attention. I'm not searching for someone to come and pity me. I don't want that. I just need to let it out. Talking to you, Journal, is the best way because that way my parents won't find anything in my various journals. Yes, they are already looking through my stuff to see if I'm writing how I feel. Although, a friend wouldn't hurt. Right now though I just want to stop my crying.
You know when your head is pounding so hard that you can't even focus on anyting else. I feel that right now. I can't breathe. I can't breathe without him.
That's all for now Journal.

Nicole.