I Hate Myself

I’m so scared right now…I’ll never admit it to anyone I’m close to, but I really am. I hate this. I hate being so imperfect, so….flawed. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror anymore, I can’t think about anything having to do with me without wanting to cry, I wish I weren’t able to eat…but that’s far from the truth. I’m so fat and ugly and useless. Every calorie is like another pound to me, and I feel so guilty after I binge that I want nothing more than to run, and keep running until all the fat just melts away.

And then my sister’s coming in a few days. That’s a whole other story. It’s like I hate her, but at the same time I am deeply envious of her. She’s everything that I’m not. She’s pretty, she’s smart, and she’s skinny. I would do almost anything to be as small as she is. Not to mention the years of emotional damage I went through from her. I just don’t know how I’m going be able to get through this week without cutting myself. I really don’t.

Sorry for ranting a bit, I just needed to vent.