So, I did one of the stupidest things anyone could ever do. I trusted my heart to someone else. I can't even trust myself with my heart. Ha. What a mistake.
Never again.
I realize that just about everyone has said that about this sort of situation, and I'm just the typical, but I really mean "never again".
This proves what I've said for years. Love is bullshit. Letting yourself touch melting glass is probably the most idiotic thing you could do. I'm such an idiot. God. Love is such bullshit, such fucking bullshit. Fuck it. I knew it, the best things on Earth are simple: drugs.
AND THAT'S JUST IT! Now that we're done, I don't have to abstain from drugs. I can go back to everything. I think I'll even go back to brown. Fuck it, I can cut & feel less guilty now. In fact, I did.
I'm falling deeper & deeper. I'm going to hell in a handbasket.
Drugs have always been there, even in the lows- they've been there. When they let me down, I know I can get them back, & they'll always have me.
Oh god, I've lost the rest of me to this.
Tomorrow, I fuck around with friends doing godknowswhat. Maybe I'll get lucky & someone will shoot me in the head.
I'm going to do that in a few years.
I've planned almost everything out.
Either it's a bullet, or it's a bunch of opiates, painkillers, a rope & a hanging place.
And a nice note sewn to my mouth.
When I quit eating again, drugs will be there this time. I've gotten smarter since last year's escapades. I'm so much more, dead. So less feeling.
I can't wait to die.
about three to four days later.
i snuck out of my place and got xanax. first drug deal outside school.
$10 buck for five little trips to not caring.
thank you god.
i love not caring, god i love it.
maybe i should just kill myself now why i dont give a fuck.
i dont care at the moment. im gonna tell john this:
if your care is real, thank you. if there's an afterlife, i'll do everything I can to remember you. i hope you have a better life than you have, and even better then i had. you proved me right, and i thank fuck i caught myself before i hit the floor. it didn't hurt as much. i was bound to relapse like the rest of all humans. thanks for everything, but this is my final goodbye.
and if you really dont care & my hunch is right, well then fuck you. i actually let you in. my fault. after i send out all the letters i'm going to make it to where i will never make any more mistakes again. i still genuinely hope you have a great life.
so, if you care, thank you.
if you dont, then fuck more girls.
goodbye.
I write this on xanax. Well I did after the "about three.." part. All of that is me on bars. Fuck it.
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