Dear Dad,

I honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I've tried to be supportive, I've told you I love you and I just want to to get better, but all you do is throw it in my face. You tell me you're sober but I know better, I can tell by the way you're slurring your words. We've taken five steps back in only 10 days, I feel like I'm losing you all over again.

I thought that when you had a seizure in August you were done with this, I had faith for a moment there. I guess that was my own fault, maybe I was wrong, but at least I can admit that. You yell at me to help you, you tell me I don't care. I'm so lost. I feel so ashamed to have let you get so bad again, I know this is hard, but you don't even try. You don't care. Maybe you'll remember what I told you when you finally end up killing yourself with this addiction, I hope that you remember me.

I just want you to get better.

You're being selfish. At least I'm old enough now, I'm already fucked up enough, but you don't have to fuck them up too. They're still so young, why do you put us through this? How can you tell me I don't care? How can you say those things to me? I care about them more than you do, all you do is hurt them. You tell me I have to protect them, but the only thing they need protection from is you. You're fucking up everything, and you don't even care. Hell, you won't even see me graduate high school at the rate you're going.

Do you know what I remember of you? All I remember is you passed out drunk, or fighting with mom. I only remember the bad things; how do you think that makes me feel?I have memories with mom, my brothers, everyone but you. I'll never get those years back. When you're gone, how to do want to be remembered? As a drunk? An asshole? I know you're better than that. I know underneath this disease there's a good person, I just wish you wouldn't be so afraid to give this up.

I'm trying so hard to pull myself together, but I can only hold on for so long. Soon enough you'll be alone, my only wish is that you learn something from it instead of resenting us for it like you did when mom left you. I feel like dying when I hear you're drinking again because I know you've got issues. The doctors told you, they warned you. If you have another seizure, I might not be there to give the ambulance directions like the first time.

You're killing yourself, and you're taking me with you.

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I found this letter today to my dad, written back in November of this year. I figured I'd post it, since I never got the chance to share it with him. Please note, I was very angry and upset when I wrote this, but I have no more ill feelings towards my dad. He had a terrible addiction, but I know he was still a great person.

Rest in peace Daddy, I miss you more than anything
From November 5, 1964 to July 17, 2011