Happiness is a phase

As im packing your breakfast muffins up and digging through the fridge for the orange juice all i can think about is how much you'll love it. I even put a cute lil love note. I got so excited cuz it reminded me of how i used to brimg you a grilled cheese or a sandwhich. Back when everything was happy. It makes me hopefull that maybe things might actually work out for us. But you call and it all goes to hell. All my happy flies away and its crying time. I get so depressed all the time. I cant do anything right. All i do is fuck up. I want to die. I dont care about the baby anymore. You lied to me. Made me thing everything was ok. Only to hurt me again. Im sick of being hurt. I keep thinking about killing myself. I cant help it. I walk by the laundry room and see a bottle of bleach and i cant help bit to wanna chug the whole bottle. Or i see my mom grabbing a tylonal. And that too makes me wonder. I guess if it hirt it would only hurt for a second. Maybe a minute. Then it'd be peaceful. Id be floating away. I just hope god forgives me. Id never have the guts to do it anyway. We decided on a name. If its a girl then she will be Isabelle Marie. And if its a boy he will be Elliot William. When i think about the baby i cry. I cry a lot. Not because i dont want it, but because its something i will never have. I know im going to lose it. Im too stressed out. Its already too late. It really hirts knowing its my job to take care of this little miricale and im failing. This baby needs me. She just needs someone to hold her and keep her safe for 9 months. And i cant do that. I hope she doesnt feel it. I hope its calm and numby. Im sorry Isabelle or Elliot. Please forgive me for not being the mommy you deserve. Just know i love you. I promise i love you.