Good God.

I hate when people tell me to calm down. To quiet down. To act, proper. Fuck you. Fuck all of you conformists.
I live with my choices. I have to look myself in the mirror everyday. Not you.
Just me.
And you know what I regret? Not keeping up noteating. Not keeping up slamming.
But you know what? I'm going to change all of that. Now, I'm a druggie, you see. Yes, I am addicted, I've finally come to terms with it. I'm currently crashing hard. But the cigarettes help me with the lows a bit. I am addicted to xanex. It's worse then you may think. It's up there. Not as bad as I'm saying, you say? I have lost much control over my emotions. My depression is not as bad as last year, in some ways, but that's because I have the drugs. With friends, I can fake it because they distract me, or get me high. Or give me pills. They usually won't hook me up with harder stuff, unfortunately. But some of them do. I don't care if you say no friend would do that, you don't understand. You can't even begin to understand.
You know, I like uppers. Alot. But, I must say, they're not as good as some of the downers I've had. Brown and bars being my favorites. Oh god they're amazing. Granted, I had a seizure on bars, and god knows all the shit that's happened on brown. Although I don't do too much when I'm on that. You see, heroin is a wonderful drug. The best in the world, in my opinion. Meth, it's a close second. But heroin is less popular. So I choose heroin addiction over meth. If that makes any sense. See, meth, it just makes your true insanity come out, in the form of anger, happiness, extreme hyperactivity (if you'd call it that), and power. It's great- I feel almost all powerful. But not the best. Heroin, it makes me feel like, I have a second shot, that life is beautiful, that I can do anything, like the memories are beautiful, and so is the future. It feels like I'm not there, but I am there. In my mind but not. Like, a star that has just imploded and I feel like the floating remnants. As if I'm on one side of the fence one moment and the other the next. No pain at all. No emotional, no physical. Plus, I love people and want to help them even more. Even when I'm going through Hell later, I still feel a bit of love. And, I feel like I'm okay. Just knowing I did it, and I'm going to do it again. See, when I'm with H, I can swim in my memories for hours. I even see things when I'm on it, on some hits. God it's wonderful.
I relapsed on heroin last night.
I had been clean off of brown since December, but you know what? That's okay. Because there is not much left to lose. I lost myself last year. I'm never getting me back.
The withdrawals? A bitch, god they're a bitch. I mean, it could be worse so I should stop complaining but fuck it hurts when I'm back.
In every way.
Xanax. Oh, that shit is crazy. Love it. When I pull out of it, though, I'm a bit less, calm. I'm much more freaked out.
Ecstasy? Not addicted, love. But I fucking love it. And when I'm on it, I love you, too.
Is this all a dream? Am I real? Am I here? Is any of this real? Am I part of someone else's dream, have I been this whole time? Is reality anything like this?
I should just go to Hell.
In fact, I think I will.