I'm okay.

I'm okay. That's what I keep telling myself these past few days. I told myself that many people have had it worse than me. That all of this is going to pass away soon and I'm going to be okay as if nothing happened. That this is just all in my mind and I'm just over-thinking things. That maybe I just misinterpreted things and I was maybe wrong all this time. But I don't think so.

Can I tell you one secret? Don't tell anyone, but I'm clinically diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. It's not cool, but it's somehow cool at the same time. We went to the doctor once, and we had tests and all that, etc etc, and they thought what I had was Bipolarity, then later they changed it and confirmed that I have Major Depressive Disorder. My dad thinks it's a joke. I mean, of course at first, he pitied me and he told me it's gonna be okay and whatever. He's a proper cunt. He doesn't care for me. He started ignoring the fact that I have this disorder because he thought it was just a little disorder and shouldn't really be paid attention to. But he's wrong. And because I have no one else to talk to, (I hate both my parents ugh okay I don't care what you have to say, I h-a-t-e them.), I started talking to inanimate objects, like my pillow, my cup of milk, my hands, my reflection. Everything. Just so I could share what I was feeling to someone, or something. I started crying and I was imagining my pillow hugging me. I was imagining people would, by any chance, find out that I'm not okay, and then they'd tell me good things, and then they'd treat me to lunch, and then we'd play scrabble all day, because that's my favorite game of all time. But of course, I know that I was fooling myself, and nobody will ever be there to save me. Everyone gives up on me. I always cry and I get emotional a lot. And I hate myself for it. So does everyone.

When I walk, I always look on the ground just in front of my feet. I don't look forward. I don't want to see people look at me, because I know they're judging me. I know they're thinking that I'm ugly, and I'm just a kid, and I'm a big waste, because I don't even look good. I know they're thinking that they don't want me as a friend, because I'm not proud of myself because I don't look up. I don't want them to see my face and judge me from there. Because that's not how I judge people. And I want them to be fair. I don't want people to judge me for what I look like. I don't want them to avoid me or to ignore me just because everyone else looks better than me...
(...to be continued, i have to go lol)