Me

Know when people try and help others?
Well, I'm one of those people.
But know how sometimes those people helping have no fucking clue about what those people they're trying to help are going through?
I'm not one of those people.
If- when- i try helping somebody, its because Ive been where they are.
Like i said in my profile, i used to do bad thing, and i still do.
I am one of those people who believe in the phrase "Once... Always".
As in, Once a Cutter, Always a Cutter. Not many people agree with me, but that's how i think.
Ive self-mutilated (banged my head against the wall, dug my nails into my arms and thighs, punched myself...) since i can remember, but Ive been cutting since 2006.
I stopped, for a little while, because i came to the conclusion that i was the one in control of the blade and could blame nobody else. And i sure as hell wasn't blaming myself for the pain i caused.
I stopped for almost 6 months. Then one day, i picked up that razor again. i hid the scars and blood, though, hoping nobody would see and i could continue to lie about it. But my mom and sister saw. They didn't berate me as i had expected... I called my dad, he wasn't disappointed or upset, he simply said "I Love You."
I was sad because i was stupid and had lost almost 6 months of hard work. i beat myself up -figuratively- and was very distraught for a few weeks.
I realized there was nothing to do but start again.
Fighting this battle is difficult because weather or not i cut, I'm in pain.
That may not make sense if you've never cut, but for me, it hurts to stop.
Cutting is my escape, and when i stop escaping, its scary, and painful.
It makes me deal with myself. And I hate myself.
I also hate confrontation, so those things don't mix well.

I doubt anybody "wants to hear this shit" (don't feel bad, Ive heard it all before), but i wrote it for me.
I wrote it because writing about my stupid problems helps me get over them.

Coping.
Living.
Breathing.
Dreaming.
What else is there?
Well, Besides Broken Hearts and Bleeding Veins