I'm okay. (Part 2, because I don't know how to edit a journal ha ha stupid me)

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I know people have it worse than me. But when you go through one thing, you go through it. And as long as you go through something, there is pain. And if there is pain, it matters to you, and you hurt. So I guess, after all, that every problem weighs the same. The only thing that matters is the person who goes through it, and what they do to deal with it. People say that if you want to get out of it, you have to get through it. But in my case, you can't get out. Because you can't escape from your own mind.

Let me tell you one boring story. Today (August 17, 2011), there is this one classmate of mine who borrowed my notebook the day before because she doesn’t write notes in class and our exams are near, so she borrowed mine so that she has something to review. So today, I asked her to bring my notebook back. And you know what she said? She left it at home. Wow. I was concerned about you and I don’t want anyone to fail the exams so I let you borrow my notes. And what about me? Did you even think that I have nothing to study for the exams, and the exams are like, just a day away? Did you even think that I was kind enough to let you borrow my notes just so you could copy it and review it, and you’re not even giving me credit about it? Did you even thank me for it? I don’t think so.

People are just so selfish. And I’ve devised one thing to solve this particular problem. Every time someone takes me for granted, I write a mark on the back of my notebook. And today, I got two. And, I don’t know, maybe if I get twenty, then…actually, I haven’t thought of it yet. Maybe that’s when it all ends. Maybe that’s when I’ll stop talking to people or that's when I'll stop going outside the house. I don't know.

Let me give you another good example, and another secret as well. My parents are breaking up. Why? Because of money. And I just hate it when people’s relationships get destroyed by material things. It doesn’t make sense. My mom says my dad earns a lot of money but he only gives a little for our expenses. My dad says my mom is selfish and she only thinks of herself, when in fact, she’s the one who pays for my and my brother’s food and education. It’s just…I don’t get it. It’s their responsibility and obligation to feed and educate their children, so why are they fighting about it? If they don’t want to spend money for us, they shouldn’t have conceived us in the first place. Right? Instead of fighting, they should’ve just cooperated, they should’ve just compromised, and everything will be okay. And if ever they separate ways, I’m going to run away from home. I don’t want to live with any of them. How would I pick a side if I don’t favor both sides?

Again, people are so selfish. They don’t care how their actions might affect one person as long as they get what they want. They want what’s best for them and they don’t care if they have to hurt people to fulfill themselves. They’d only react if it were their feelings that are being hurt. I wish they know how much they hurt others, too. I wish they’d realize how selfish they are. But, I don’t know, maybe it’s human nature, because after all, we only live for ourselves, right? This whole paragraph is from self experience.

So I guess I'm ending this one now. I hope people from my school could read this and they would stop judging me, and they would stop telling me things that I already know. Because even though it might not show, what I feel about myself hurts me. And I hope they know that. And I hope they would stop making fun of it. Because it's not fun. And I hope people realize that there's only one thing I need to feel. If you've read this from the start, you should have figured it out.

You should have figured out that I just need someone to prove me wrong about how I feel about things. You should have figured out that all I needed...was love.