"Ben shot himself. He's dead."
I was at the mall with my other friends; we had literally just said bye to Ben, James, and Paul at about 7:30 pm. And when I got that call, my heart just stopped. I fell to the floor, and I sat there for what seemed like years. And all I could think was, How can my Ben be dead?
Because you don't understand- Ben was the most amazing person. And he was in no way suicidal. He was a star member of our track team, he had an amazing group of friends, and he was the happiest person I knew.
God, person I knew[/i.]. Every now and then the realization that he's gone just hits me and I stop what I'm doing and just think, I'll never have another movie night with him again, and I just loose it.
I miss him every single fucking day. And I ask myself why. Because if he had been any other person, I could've thought of a reason. But it was Ben. And I have no idea.
Every day I wear my 'RIP BEN VASKE' bracelet. I've worn it ever since the beginning of September in 2009. So imagine my anger when, on my first day of college, I was asked to remove my bracelet. Apparently it was assumed to be one of those 'sex symbol' bracelets. And with an entire class full of people I didn't know, I stood up and told the teacher exactly why I wore my bracelet. And I told him if he couldn't deal with it, he could kiss my ass. And he told me I could wear it.
I'm wearing green for Ben today. I miss him, and it hurts when I wonder where he'd be going, or what he'd be doing. His birthday will be in a couple of days. It was hard to start college without him; he was there on my first day of high school. He stood up for me when no one else would, and he brought me into his group of friends that I'm still close to today.
Ben, I wish I knew why you did what you did. I wish I could figure out why you left us in a whirl of pain and confusion. I wish I knew why you felt like you had to leave. I wish I could tell you goodbye, I wish I could give you one last hug, hear your laugh, share a joke, return a smile...
But what I do know is this- you will be waiting for me when it's my turn to go to heaven. And until then, you'll keep a close eye on me. I love you buddy. Have fun with the big man up there.
