FML

I’m a idiot with a big capital I-D-I-O-T!

Against my better wishes, I’ve given him a chance, a chance to prove his feelings (as if he hasn’t enough). I know I’m just going to be ignored against as soon as he thinks I’m fooled or his attention is wavered. Why am I such a stupid idiot? One week. One week is all he has. I must keep to that. I can’t make excuses for him. One week. If he truly deserves me in one week, I’ll know. And what’s great, I’ll know if I deserve him in one week as well. I just fucking hate being a girl sometimes. Girls do stupid things for guys who don’t give a sh*t. I hate being one of those girls. I hate wanting to hold on to someone who isn’t there just so I don’t feel so alone in the world, so I don’t feel so useless. But isn’t that ironic? I’m clinging to him so I don’t feel alone, but he’s never around. If that isn’t masochistic I don’t know what is. I could have at least picked a jerk who talked to me. I’m ruining everything if he truly cares tho. Now, anytime he talks to me, I’m disinterested and distant. I’m being mean because I’m mad at him. BUT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE MAD AT HIM! I’m not the kind of girl who tells a guy if something is wrong. I want them to figure it out. I want to know they care. I want them to know me enough to notice the changes in my attitude and behavior. I guess that’s a little much to ask for sometimes. Some of my friends don’t even pick up on that unless I’m bluntly obvious about it. I need to tell people when I’m upset with them, but i can’t. I guess it’s because I’m afraid I’ll look stupid. I’m afraid that if I’m upset, it might be irrational and they might leave me. I don’t want anyone to leave me. I’m so afraid of people leaving. It makes me want to cry. I love everyone around me so much I’d rather bottle everything up than to risk telling them and causing them to leave me. In the end, everything boiling inside of me is pushed to the back. I keep telling myself I’ll deal with it later. Before I know it, later will be when it explodes, again. But this time when it explodes, who will save me? Who’s gonna be there to? I hope someone will because ending it like that is stupid. But then again, that’s what I am. Really stupid. Just Eff my life.