Complicated

So not too long ago, I broke up with my Jerkface. Just so that everyone is clear on the subject (mostly myself), We were fighting because he hadn’t seen me in like two weeks cuz of conflicting schedules or well mainly my conflicting schedule. I had told him that we could hang out after I moved into my dorms and it fell through on the count of my under estimating the amount of work it took. By the time I had time to hang out I was so exhausted I was falling asleep on the phone. He apparently was upset by this. Over the next few days, in which I was really busy do to Welcome Week at my college with is mandatory, he got more upset that I was too busy to really see or talk to him. He kept telling me I needed to make time for him (because apparently I was just blowing him off or whatever) plus throwing in my face our last big argument where I told him that he hurt me because he never talked to me and I wasn’t important to him because now that he was making the effort and I wasn’t.

So I finally deliberately made time for him. I went out of my way to clear out the whole afternoon and I was excited to tell him. He didn’t believe me. He kept saying how this was hurting him. He wouldn’t believe that I had actually made time for him and thought (FOR WHATEVER REASON) that I wanted to purposely hurt him. I told him very simply that he was hurting me by not trusting me and thinking I would hurt him on purpose and he IGNORED it. He kept going on about his hurt feelings so I ended it. I sent him the message that I was done and then put down my phone cuz I wasn’t going to listen or read anything he had to say.

He called and called and texted and called. I had over 40 missed calls and he kept trying. He drove and hour and a half to my school to see me and try to talk to me. Which I ignored to a point. I hadn’t actually told him face to face it was over and I knew I had to so I had him pick me up (I was so flustered I walked off campus) and we talked. He got on his knees and cried. He begged me not to end it. He loved me and needed me in his life. He told me I was special and a whole bunch more. I couldn’t give in cuz even tho he was sorry I was still hurt. I told him he had to prove it to me.

Which I’m still sticking by but not. I guess I gave in. Cuz now we’re ‘together’ but not. He can still kiss me and whatnot but it’s on my accord. But Idk who is actually in control here. I can’t seem to say no to him. But he hasn’t asked me to do anything against my wishes so…..

I don’t know what to do anymore. But right now, I’m happy. I feel like we’re together and it’s working. So….I guess I’m letting the pieces of the puzzle fall where they may. I hope I can trust him with my heart again or else it’s going to be unrepairable after this….